Hey friends, I was invited to be on a podcast to talk about healing and moving on after leaving the church. It was a wonderful conversation that I think you’ll enjoy.
Well, well, well, I knew it would hit eventually, and now it has. The terrible fall slump. Even with my light box fired up every day, my inner glow feels very dim. Some of my lack of ambition comes from the time change, ushering the darkness in earlier. The brownness of it all also plays a role. The leaves are mostly fallen, and the ground is beginning to look more like mud than pretty leaves. The few snowflakes that have fallen melt almost immediately and add to the muddiness of it all. It is an in-between time, a threshold, a breath before winter.
I wish the change in the seasons was the only thing making me feel this way. November is a hard month for me. A few years ago I suffered a betrayal that broke my heart and now every November I am reminded of what happened. I try to plan for this, knowing that it’s coming, but there are some things you just can’t plan your way through. I’m also doing some really deep trauma work right now. It’s all good stuff but it’s also exhausting.
I’ve said all this to say I just don’t feel like writing. This is very inconvenient. You might remember I’m in the midst of a writing challenge right now. Whenever a thought surfaces about writing or sending out queries, my brain begins to flood me with other options. You could clean that shelf, or put some laundry in, hey…what you really need to do is work on the Thanksgiving menu. As I slump around the house, crossing unimportant items off my list, shame and guilt rise within me. All this leaves me feeling depressed, uninspired, and just wanting to go to bed.
As I’m writing this, I am reminded that there are so many out there suffering way worse than me. The governmental shutdown has hurt so many, and I’m sure the pain is going to get worse before it gets better. All of the terrible political stuff happening in the world just seems to pile onto everything else going on.
Yep, I’m a Debbie Downer. I’m not sure why I’m writing this tonight except to say everything feels hard right now. Part of me wants to work on my current project, and the other part of me wants to write anything else. If you’re having a hard time right now, I hope it gets better soon. I will get up and back on the horse. I might even work on my project before the night is over. I just keep having to remind myself that my best has to be enough, and we all have times like this.
It might seem strange to begin a new book when the first one hasn’t been published yet, but trust me there is a reason for my madness. As I’ve been going through the process of querying agents I’ve heard the same advice over and over. Don’t stop writing. This makes sense to me because writing is the part of this whole adventure that really feeds me. The business end of things is not my cup of tea, and so if I can balance that out with some writing every day I think that would be healthy. Of course, I never really stopped writing because I write here and on Substack, it’s just a different kind of writing.
My plan is to participate in the Reedsy November Writing Challenge. I will be aiming for 50,000 words by the end of the month. The working title of my new project is called, A Spiritual Home. It will be another memoir, and very different from the one I am currently seeking representation for. It’s still vulnerable work and I will have to dig deep into my bravery stores in order to complete it. Wish me luck! If you want to join me in the writing challenge, drop me an email and I will help you get started.
Happy Sunday friends, I hope you’re having a restful weekend. Today finds me feeling deep gratitude for my healing journey. Lately I’ve been pondering shame and blame and how it can stay with us for a long time. Shame feels like a clinger, no matter how hard you try to shake it off it just won’t let go. I’ve been working to heal my shame for what feels like forever. During this time I’ve had to figure out how to separate what shame/blame belongs to me and what shame/blame belongs to others. It might seem like the answers would be obvious but when you’ve been raised in a toxic spirituality that teaches you that you are always to blame it can become hard to see reality. Even when you’ve solved the question of shame it keeps coming back around and you have to keep rejecting what isn’t your to carry.
Putting the shame and blame where they belong doesn’t mean you’re magically healed. I was deeply sad for a long time. I would ask myself, why would a man want to hurt me that way? Why would the church blame me when I was just a child? Why do they still seem to think I deserve to carry the shame of what others did to me before I could consent? If I let these questions get the best of me, I would be carried off to a very dark place. I would be overflowing with self-loathing and depression.
For about a year, I have been working with a very good therapist who really understands trauma. Because of this I have noticed a shift beginning to come over me. I’m not sad about the trauma anymore, I’m angry. This may not seem like much improvement but it is a big deal to me. I finally feel like I’m moving through my trauma again. I was making progress before and then some things happened in my life that caused me to freeze and kind of shut down. Freezing seems to be my preferred trauma response at the moment and once I’m there it is hard as hell to thaw out. So I’m angry, what does that mean? Well…I think it means that my self-loathing has lifted and I’m not feeling so sad. When I think about what happened to me I’m no longer interrogating myself but I’m allowing myself to feel anger towards those who did me wrong. I have no idea how long this season of anger will last, and I’m trying to just let myself feel it. I will release it someday, I’m sure, just not today.
Happy Tuesday! I’m sure some of you know I have a Substack, but I’m not sure if you know I post journal prompts over there. My prompts are for those who are thinking about leaving or have left a UPCI church or other high-control group. If you haven’t checked them out yet, follow the link below. I’ve covered many topics. Let me know if there is a topic you’d like to see covered.
Hello friends, as you may have noticed I’ve freshened up my page. I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time. I’m pretty happy with how it turned out considering I’m not a web designer. I also aquired a domain name, debbiemcnultywrites.com. Things are humming along, especially now that I’ve finished my first batch of agent queries. It has been my habit for many years to take a sabbatical during the month of October. It has been a long time since I’ve arrived at the threshold beween September and October feeling so tired. My hope is that the rest will do me good and I will be able to come out swinging in early November. It can be hard to step away from work that is important to you. I’ve done this many times and I know that I will come out on the other side with a new perspective and hopefully a cup full of energy. I intend to keep posting some to my social media it will just be less frequent.
I’ve been writing a book. Wow, it is scary just saying those words. It’s like speaking them makes them real. Those who are close to me are already aware of the work I’ve been doing, and I’m sure they’ve asked themselves when I’ll ever finish. Turns out writing a book is hard work. I always knew it would be, and I doubted myself plenty along the way. I didn’t anticipate how complicated the whole process would be. First, there are so many skills to learn, critiques to consider, and choices to make. What to include and what to keep back just for myself. My rough draft was finished last year, and I’ve spent a year working on revisions. Now that I’ve taken it as far as I can by myself, I’m ready to begin seeking an agent.
It dawned on me last fall that publication couldn’t be the measuring stick of my work. Of course, publication is a goal, but it is just one of many. I chose to measure my success based on whether or not I finished my book. This version of my book is complete, and I’ve been taking a breath to allow that accomplishment to sink in. I know that there will be more revisions to come once my manuscript reaches the hands of an agent and editor. I’m excited to see where that process takes my memoir, but that is for another day.
Another reason to take a pause is so that I can steel myself for the rejection to come. Yep, I’m sure there will be many rejections before I hear a yes. It could take a very long time to gain representation, and that is yet another hurdle on my journey. My heart is pretty tender, and my confidence isn’t always strong, so I’m sure this part of the process will be filled with emotional ups and downs. Once the memoir is out there, I know I will hear from people who do not like what I’ve written, and that will require even more strength, but that worry, too, is for another day.
It feels weird to not be working on revisions. Now my focus is on my book proposal, so the business end. It’s hard not to worry that I’m making it too long or too short, not professional enough, or maybe I’m not getting the right advice about what to include and what not to include. It’s like being ten months pregnant; I’m ready for this baby to be out of the oven, but the doctor has a few more forms for me to sign first.
Have you been through this process? If so, I’d love to hear from you. Do you have tricks of the trade to share? What worked and didn’t work?
Hello, long time no see. I’m hoping some of you have been following me over on Substack and TikTok; if not, here I am again. For the last couple of years, most of my energy has been spent working on my book. I’ve completed a two-year writing program and spent many hours in critique groups. It has been a wonderful time of self-discovery, and I’ve learned a lot about how to write a memoir. I appreciate how patient you’ve been with me as I’ve gone through this process. Currently, I’m putting the finishing touches on my book proposal so I can begin to send it out to agents. This is a scary and exhilarating time. Writing my memoir has been a gift, and I feel so privileged to have the time and resources to put into writing it. It has healed me in so many ways while also revealing new sore spots that need attention. As I move ahead, I can only hope I will be able to weather the tough publishing world. I may seem pretty durable and strong on the outside, but on the inside, I’m pretty soft. I plan to document my journey here more closely now that I’m done working on my manuscript.
One important piece of getting your book published is branding and having a platform. This is why you see me in so many places. I’m sure at times it seems like a lot, it feels that way to me, but it is what I must do to meet my goals. This is where you come in. I know some of you have been following me for a long time, and I really appreciate that. If you want to help me push my book over the finish line, please interact with my social media as much as possible. A like on FB, Substack, TikTok, and here can go a long way. It’s even better if you can comment and follow/subscribe. A platform can make or break a memoir writer.
On TikTok, I have been making videos about the church I grew up in and how they compare to the religious right, and what is happening politically now. I talk about race and class and how the church of my childhood handled those issues. My handle is @wicrow.
I haven’t made a new post on YouTube in a long time. Once I get that going again, I will let you know. 🙂 If you know of anyone who might want me on their podcast or YouTube channel please let me know.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you. Again, I appreciate your support so much and I hope one day you’ll have my book in your hands and we can celebrate together!
Many of us here in America have been struggling. The election did not go the way we wanted it to, and now we are feeling demoralized. If you’ve been keeping up with my Substack you know that I have been trying to engage in self-care and self-compassion in order to make it through this difficult time.
I have therapy today, and as I’m sipping my coffee, I’m thinking about how the current political landscape reminds me of the church I grew up in. One of the big standouts is hypocrisy. I do not understand how the evangelical church can quote Jesus on the one hand and be so viciously mean on the other. Before I dig into this further, I need to say upfront that I’m not interested in debating with anyone who identifies as MAGA. I’m writing this from the perspective of a survivor, and I will not tolerate any trolls.
When I was a little girl growing up in the United Pentecostal Church, I experienced it as having an undercurrent of meanness. Some of that was due to how judgemental they were, but also because of the classism and racism that was always bubbling under the surface. It never felt safe to me, and although they taught me about Jesus, I couldn’t see him reflected in them. They were a harsh group of people and not likely to show you grace unless you were a man.
I don’t understand how you can be pro-life and care nothing about children and mothers after the baby is born. How am I supposed to see you as caring about family values when you’re okay with separating children from their families? When you despise those seeking asylum and your greedy desire to keep what is yours and not share with those in need, you’re not reflecting the Jesus you claim to be your savior.
I realize I’m probably just preaching to the choir, but I’ve felt a need to voice my feelings. I’m sure many others feel the same way. It’s triggering to be swimming in this political cesspool while constantly being reminded of your religious trauma. I keep returning to the question, why can’t people see through the hypocrisy? Sadly, the answer that floats back to me is that maybe they can, and they don’t care. I believe that the UPC church knows in their heart they are wrong about so many things, but in the end, they just don’t care. They like the feeling of sitting in judgement of others and the feeling of superiority they feel about other Christians. Just like the MAGA evangelicals they use the parts of the Bible, they can twist into a club to hurt others and leave the rest behind. I suspect Jesus is just too woke for them now.
For those of you who have been struggling, I hope you are taking care of yourself. I’m always here to provide any resources I can. You’re not alone in your feelings and questions.
Debbie McNulty 