Hello fellow survivors and supporters! I hope this post finds you well, whole, and having a good summer. I have been taking a break from therapy to process everything and give myself a little bit of rest. It has been fruitful and at times surprising. Many things are bubbling up to the surface and I have been surprised by what I am processing. The hardest issues have to do with my parents and how abandoned I felt as a kid. I have also become aware of how colored my decision making processes are due to never feeling worthy. I recognize that I tend to draw toxic people into my orbit because of how I feel about myself. It’s a lot but I’m doing ok. The more clearly I can see the past and how it has impacted the now, the longer the road seems. I have to keep reminding myself that if I never make it to the end, if I never purge all of the poison within me, I’m good, I am ok, and I’m worthy.
When I think about feeling abandoned I can see how it causes me to hang onto relationships that are not healthy. Because, my righteousness is as filthy rags, I always assume I am at fault in every situation. This means whoever I’m dealing with must always be right. After decades of work, I still twist myself into a pretzel to try to accommodate even when I am not at fault. I chase after people and their approval the same way I chased after God. When I fall short I hear the words of the Bible and I am reminded of how worthless I am. I always feel like I need to say this, I know this is not everyone’s experience but it is mine. Your mileage may vary.
Right now I am in the business of letting go. I’m letting go of people and things that cause me to feel unworthy. I’m not chasing people anymore. I feel like I say that all the time and I’m still trying to enforce it. I realize more that ever what a sad child I was and I’m trying to cut myself some slack. Believe it or not, the questioning voices still rise up from the ashes from time to time. They say, well maybe it is your fault, or maybe you could have made better decisions. I know what these voices are and who they belong to, I know they are not based in truth and I battle them back into the fire to burn again. Each time I catch them quicker and it is a little easier to push back.
I have not decided if I will go back to EMDR this fall. I might need more time. I have some health issues happening that are overwhelming me right now. I just don’t need one more thing. I will keep you posted! Right now I am busy dreaming of pumpkin everything and trying to allow myself some peace.
D
Debbie McNulty 