Childhood

Little Debbie

Deb M

Every year I choose a word of the year. Pleasure is my word for 2021. Pleasure is the hardest word I have ever tried to embrace. It is rare for me to feel pleasure or even remember a time when I did. This is all because I dissociate so much. I never realized just how much of my time I spend being disconnected from everyone and everything around me, even myself. Therapy has helped me to become more aware of how often I disconnect. Dissociating is something I learned in childhood and it served/serves as a protection mechanism. My therapist gave me a red ball to use as a tool to help me stay present. I am suppose to keep it with me and within eye sight to help remind me to be in my life instead floating somewhere above it all.

All this dissociating makes it very hard to identify pleasure or even think about how to feel it. When eating the other day I unexpectedly felt pleasure and this made me wonder if engaging with my child self might be the key to unlocking pleasure. You see the food I was eating was a food I loved as a child, comfort food. In that moment I felt pleasure and I felt present. I started to wonder what other child self related activities might unlock the door.

When I was a little girl I was alone a lot. My mom always made sure there were craft supplies around so I would have something to do. During winter break when I was home alone I decided to build a manger scene complete with animals. I was around 7 or so. I used popscicle sticks and glue to create my work of art. I built a fence, I don’t know why, and filled the yard with little stick animals. Of course there was the baby Jesus and his parents. This project took up a lot of space but my mom let me keep it and play with it for a long time. When I think of working on that project it brings a smile to me face. I find pleasure in creating art and I have since I was a very little girl.

Thinking about this time inspired me to play with some craft sticks. I decided to build a fairy house. I think they are so cute and I know little Debbie would have loved this project.

No, this is not beautiful yet but I’ve had so much fun doing it. I felt pleasure collecting the sticks and other supplies. I was disappointed when I had to stop because I ran out of glue. I think building these could become an obsession! This one is a work in progress and maybe I will share the finished project with you if it isn’t too weird looking. Little Debbie would not have cared how it looked, she knew instinctively that the pleasure comes in the process not the end product.

Making these and other works of art is my way of trying to be present in my life. I’m kinistetic by nature and so working with my hands is always preferred. I’m done with EMDR therapy for now. I may go back for maintance if something comes up that needs attention. I’ve made huge progress towards healing the wounds of my past. One important thing that I have learned is the key to my happiness is found through figuring out who I am without the trauma. So much of my young life was all about surviving and coping with unimaginable stress. When you’re living like that it can be hard to know who you are or what you want. You’re too busy just trying to survive the day.

I feel like I have rambled a lot in this post, sigh. If anyone out there is struggling with dissociation or just trying to be present in their daily life, please do not hesitate to ask for help. Go see a therapist or just message me and I will do all I can to help. When you float above it all you miss out on so much, I know I have. Find safe people and allow yourself to be in your body and present.

C-PTSD, EMDR, Rapture

Some Triggers Rise Again

Deb M

*Triggers Rapture, End Times, CPTSD*

I have complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Currently, I’m undergoing Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy. So far it has helped more than anything else. I have been working on so many subjects but the first subject that we covered was my rapture anxiety. When I talk about rapture anxiety it sounds much smaller to me than what it actually is. It has loomed large over my life for as long as I can remember. I thought I had completely healed from it but I was wrong. When I go to see my therapist next time I think I need to do some maintenance work about this topic.

For those who do not know here is a definition of C_PTSD

“Both PTSD and C-PTSD result from the experience of something deeply traumatic and can cause flashbacks, nightmares, and insomnia. Both conditions can also make you feel intensely afraid and unsafe even though the danger has passed. However, despite these similarities, there are characteristics that differentiate C-PTSD from PTSD according to some experts.

The main difference between the two disorders is the frequency of the trauma. While PTSD is caused by a single traumatic event, C-PTSD is caused by long-lasting trauma that continues or repeats for months, even years (commonly referred to as “complex trauma”).1

Unlike PTSD, which can develop regardless of what age you are when the trauma occurred, C-PTSD is typically the result of childhood trauma.

The psychological and developmental impacts of complex trauma early in life are often more severe than a single traumatic experience. So different, in fact, that many experts believe that the PTSD diagnostic criteria don’t adequately describe the wide-ranging, long-lasting consequences of C-PTSD.” verywellmind.com

Here is an explanation of what EMDR is

“Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an extensively researched, effective psychotherapy method proven to help people recover from trauma and other distressing life experiences, including PTSD, anxiety, depression, and panic disorders.” emdria.org

The above website is full of useful information if you are interested in learning more about EMDR.

I had a difficult weekend. It started with me strolling around Facebook just killing time. Something came across my feed that immediately triggered me. In a group I belong to someone posted a still photo from the film “Thief In The Night”. I immediately knew what it was and before I could even have a thought my brain had run away into panic mode. My heart was pounding and my stomach clenched tight into a knot. Immediately that awful song, you know the one, started playing in my head. This happened in part because of some of the comments posted under the photo. Yes, I should have walked away but when I am in this state I do not always think clearly. I read a few comments and even responded to someone who was speaking about their trauma regarding the film. After that my fight began, I was fighting to get that song out of my head and to keep my anxiety from running wild. I felt like I could not breathe and I had to find something to distract myself.

I decided to do some art work and listen to one of my favorite podcasts, Spiritual PTSD. The host was talking about something completely unrelated and then out of nowhere he went down a “Thief In The Night” tangent and I just froze, sitting there dumbfounded. How in the space of a few minutes had I experienced these triggers? Then I was afraid to move and wondering where that fear might jump out at me next. If I let it, it will spin out of control and lead to flashbacks, when I get to that point there is no stopping the panic I just have to let it run it’s course. I had flashbacks this weekend but I was able to breathe through them and not let it spin me out of control. I call that progress. This attack did not last a week and it did not keep me from sleeping the way it would have in the past. I’m healing that much is true, I just know I’m not all the way there yet.

I am shaken. I am shocked by how hard I was hit over the weekend. I’m angry at my parents and the church that exposed me to this trauma. I’m angry that so much of my time and money has to go to just trying to heal and live a normal life. I’m grateful I have access to help and a support system that holds me when I’m struggling. I’m thankful for my husband who helps me to feel safe when my brain turns on me and seeks to convince me there are monsters waiting for me around every corner. Teaching children about end-times theology is child abuse and showing those films to children is torture.

Thank you for staying with me on this journey.

Debbie

Calvary Gospel Church, EMDR, Healing, United Pentecostal Church

My Healing Journey

Deb M

My Healing Journey

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My healing journey has not been an easy one. Just leaving the United Pentecostal Church can be hard enough without adding all of the other issues on top. You may remember that I am going to EMDR therapy and that I have expressed how hard it is. It is hard but it is also worth every second of pain. I have made enormous progress and I am so grateful for the opportunity to go. One of my goals has been to figure out what is at the root of all my trauma. Every bit of trauma is tied to all of the others and sometimes if you can get to the root the other parts will just fall away. I think I may have figured out what the root of it all is.

I woke up this morning with a song in my brain…

“All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love
Love is all you need”

It sounds simple and maybe it is but when I realized that all of my trauma is tied to not feeling loved it kind of blew my mind. I never felt loved by my parents and I certainly never felt love from the church. Had my parents loved me the way they should have I would not have been the neglected and unprotected child that I was. They would not have been so harsh with me and my mother in particular would not have been physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive. All of the fear, loneliness, and feelings of worthlessness could have been taken from me with a strong dose of dependable love

The church is a whole other kettle of fish. Where my parents showed me imperfect and insufficient love the church seemed completly barren of any love. Love does not put money, race, and popularity before people. It certainly does not act in its own selfish interest and it does not judge harshly. Love shows mercy and compassion. Love doesn’t offer children up on an altar of self protection and image. Love admits guilt and seeks healing and reconciliation. Calvary Gospel possesses none of these qualities.

Now that I know, I have to work even harder than I already am to engage in self-love. Not the surface level kind but deep self-love that will hopefully make up for all the lack in my formative years. This is not an easy task because I have so many voices from the past in my head reminding me of how unworthy I am. I have to chase love and push those other feelings away. I need to work on cultivating more loving relationships. I’m interested in the deep friendships that include vulnerability and a willingness to show up when things get hard. I’m going to keep going to EMDR as an act of self-love. The more I go the more I learn about myself and the things/ideas that are holding me back.

When I think of all of the survivors of Calvary Gospel I have spoken to I am reminded of how love could have changed everything for them as well. If CGC had replaced selfishness, vanity, and the love of money with the love of people so many wounds could have been avoided. But lets be honest the version of God that they serve is not a loving God. He is harsh and vindictive and he waits to judge and reject. The Grants have long represented God this way even if they preach love from the podium. Love is about action not words. Anyone can say I love you brother or sister, but the love shows through when they chose how to act towards you.

So this is where I am. I’m getting better every day. The road is never easy but one by one I am removing traumas from my back and with each one healed my load becomes lighter. I will never walk like others do but maybe I can walk without so much pain.

D

C-PTSD, Calvary Gospel Church, Childhood, Compassion, Pastor John Grant, Poverty, Sexual Abuse, Trauma, United Pentecostal Church

The High Price Of Turning A Blind Eye

Deb M

 

I have often wondered why so many people seem to turn a blind eye when they see something that doesn’t seem right regarding a child. Maybe they did not see anything but they heard a rumor and maybe they thought it was none of their business. As a child abuse survivor, I’m here to tell you that when you make the choice to turn a blind eye you’re abandoning that child. You might feel that it isn’t your concern or that the child’s parents should be the ones deciding what to do. If you only take one thing away from reading my blog I’d like you to take away that you may be the only thing standing between that child and a lifetime of trauma.

In isolated churches where the outside world is not welcome, children have no one to turn to but those inside of their little community. If the community is more interested in protecting its reputation than protecting the life of the child than that child really has no chance. Not only will they deal with the trauma of whatever abuse happens to them but they may deal with the trauma of not being believed or of feeling unworthy of protection. It may take a lot of courage to speak up and you may have to endure criticism but in the end, is it ever wrong to try to protect or save a child?

If any of the adults around me had stopped to think about how odd it was that a 30ish-year-old man was spending so much time with me they might have asked some questions. The heat of that attention may have scared Steve off from abusing me, he may have felt he was being watched. Had one of the women who knew about this come to me just to check in and see if everything was ok maybe that would have given me a chance to open up, or again it may have scared Steve off. I told him pretty much everything about what was going on in my life. The time he was spending with me was so out there in the open for anyone who was paying attention to see. If you were one of the people who went out after church and shared a meal then you knew he was driving me around. If you were part of his group of friends you knew he was taking me on road trips with him. These adults could have saved me from some of my trauma.

When Steve Dahl was abusing me our church averaged around 250-300 depending on the Sunday. Steve played his trumpet in every service. He and his wife sat in the second row. He was popular and well liked. A man like that doesn’t just disappear from a church and nobody notices he is gone. A woman doesn’t have her husband suddenly leave and no one know what is going on. Her sister was suddenly gone too, so there is another person gone. Pastor Grant would have said something to the elders. The women of the church would have had some idea what was going on with Debbie, Steve’s wife, it would have been out there amongst the congregation. That is a lot of adults choosing to turn a blind eye. Choosing to say nothing. As a child, I could feel everyone stepping back from me like I had some disease they might catch. I knew they knew. I felt judged and unworthy of love. No one reached out to me in love, no one checked in on me, this added to my trauma. I am sure they assumed that pastor Grant would take care of it but maybe they should have checked to be sure. If love and compassion were present then I feel that backing away from me wouldn’t have happened. How do you back away from a wounded child? If they really thought I was a seductive child or whatever they are trying to say now, why didn’t that drive them to ask questions? Even if they had chosen to reach out to me at this point they could have saved me some trauma. If love and therapy had been applied here things could have turned out very differently for me.

In all of the intervening years running right up to the present if any of the adults who heard rumors or flat out knew about what happened had come to me and checked in they could have reduced my trauma.

C-PTSD encompasses trauma coming from many different sources over a long period of time. Food insecurity and poverty featured heavily during my childhood. This was no secret. I can remember one day when my mother took me for a school uniform fitting and another woman who was there commented on how I was so thin I looked like I could just blow away in the wind. On another occasion, I worked very hard to be on the honor roll at school and the reward was to go on a field trip out of town to a museum. I was sooo excited! There was only one problem, my shoes developed a sudden hole in the bottom and I was too embarrassed to go. We had no money for another pair of shoes so my mother called Roy and asked if he could help. He asked another student if she could loan me a pair of shoes for the day. I was mortified. I wore the shoes and the young woman who loaned them to me made sure everyone knew what had happened. Then I gave them back. Well, that solved the issue for that one day, but what would have really helped was if someone had offered to buy me some shoes. Maybe Roy who worked in the school and was my youth leader, or maybe this girl’s parents who were elders at the time. Instead they turned a blind eye. There were adults who knew we did not have electricity from time to time. One person, Ida Cox helped my mother. I remember it was such a big deal and made my life so much easier for a time. The other times we had no electricity no one helped. I know people dropped me off to that sad dark house after church. There were never any lights on. I would open the door and this dark heavy oppression would hit me like a wall of despair. Sometimes my mother would be sitting on the porch outside to greet me and other times the house would be silent. I would feel the way to the stairs leading up to my bedroom and then feel for the oil lamp to give me some light. Didn’t these adults wonder why they never saw a light come on? On one occasion a young adult man dropped me off after a service and I invited him in. My mom and stepdad were not there for some reason. I had nothing to offer him but Koolaid and at one point he asked me about the cooler on the floor. I explained to him that we have no power and that is where we kept our food. I even opened it up briefly to show him the contents. He smiled tightly and soon was out the door. I felt embarrassed and immediately wished I had not invited him in. Another blind eye.

I grew up feeling like everyone could see my pain and no one would help me. I grew up feeling unworthy, sometimes hungry, sometimes lonely, always unloved. This is the garden my trauma grew out of. The harvest of my childhood is an adulthood full of unraveling. First you have to figure out what is wrong with you. You can sense early on in adulthood that you are not like most people. Then you start the long journey of trying to heal. You try dozens of things until you land on some that help. Most help a little but there is no magic pill. Mine is a life of lost potential. I was too busy struggling to survive to do what most people do in their young adulthood. I had no one to help me figure out how to go to college. I had no desire to live with either of my parents and so I moved out at age 17 and got my own apartment. I worked hard to survive but there was no time to nurture myself or think about how to fix what was broken. When you think about turning a blind eye think of me and maybe reconsider. Would one adult be able to solve all of my childhood issues? Probably not, but if I could have entered adulthood with one less layer to my trauma it would have made a huge difference to me.

I believe that churches give too much power to pastors. They often feel that the pastor knows about things and is taking care of them. In legalistic churches, they often blame the victim and stand in judgement instead of applying love and compassion. They may gain salvation but they lose their humanity. The people at Calvary Gospel certainly seem to have lost their heart. How can they side with the abuser over and over again? They pray for the abuser and the victim becomes the problem. This may be why some people feel it is better to turn a blind eye. If they side with the wounded it will not be long before they are also wounded. It is selfish self-preservation. If you are in a group that causes you to silent that inner voice that tells you something is off then I advise you to run! Don’t let an organization like Calvary Gospel take away your humanity and care for children, the poor, elderly, and suffering. Don’t turn a blind eye, say something, reach out and offer your help. If you do this you can hold onto your heart and maybe help someone else to heal theirs.

 

 

 

Age 11

 

As I look at the photos above all I can think is that she deserved better from all of the adults in her life.

D

 

 

C-PTSD, Calvary Gospel Church, Childhood, Crime, EMDR, Pastor John Grant, Sexual Abuse, Shame, Survivors, Trauma, United Pentecostal Church

Finding My Freedom

Deb M

Freedom is a word that keeps coming up in my life. It has been especially present the last three or four years. I keep moving closer and closer to it and with each step, I cast away more of my chains. With the most painful struggles have come the greatest rewards. My whole body has been buzzing with anxiety and it is unrelenting. I have not been sleeping and at times tears well up in my eyes for no real specific reason. I have restarted my EFT routine in hopes of being able to cope better. Why is all of this happening? I believe it is a result of all of the emotions being stirred up due to EMDR. I can feel the EMDR purging the deepest parts of my trauma and with that comes an amazing sense of freedom. I can feel those memories moving from an ever present pain to a distant sadness. That’s progress. EMDR has forced me to look at some things with a clarity that is so raw and bright. It is impossible to continue to lie to myself or not see the evil of others for exactly what it is. Along with this comes some greiving. When you lie to yourself about people and their intentions and you finally see the truth you then have to grieve what you thought your relationship to those people was. For example, I am finally starting to let go of some very deeply held shame and blame. These feelings were so hidden and a part of who I am that I did not realize I still held them. On a logical level, you can know something in your mind but your heart might tell a different story. Once you let go of the lies you’ve been telling yourself the truth can be shocking. My truth is that I was a little girl just trying to make it in a harsh world. I was not to blame in any way for what happened to me or for how I was treated by certain people. All the shame that was heaped on me was not mine to take responsibility for. It might surprise you to know that in the still of the night my inner voice would question, “Did I do something to cause these things to happen to me?” “These people cannot be as bad as I think they are.” Now I know and can say in my most full-throated voice than none of what happened to me was my fault. The magic of this is that I really feel it in my bones for the first time.

Some of the truths I’ve had to face are kind of brutal. There are some things that happened to me during my childhood that are too dark for me to give breath to here. Sometimes abuse happens and on the surface, it doesn’t look like abuse. It might feel off and you might question for decades if it was abuse or if you should just cut that person some slack. Maybe they didn’t know better or maybe they had some mental illness that made them behave a certain way. The part of you that loves them wants to protect them from the things they’ve done. Once you’ve seen them clearly and you allow light to be shone onto the things they’ve done you cannot unsee what is right in front of your eyes. Then you have a choice to make. Love yourself and set yourself free or continue to try to unsee the truth and protect those who hurt you. I’m choosing to love myself but it comes with a cost. The cost is letting go of old beliefs and feeling the pain of the reality of the situation. Right now I feel the pain every day but I know it will lessen over time. The other side of the coin is knowing that I did not, could not cause all of that to happen. I was just a child.

I know that some of you will say, “I still have friends at Calvary Gospel” or “There are still good folks there.” You are free to believe however you wish but from where I stand I do not see how that is possible. Sure years ago when maybe some people really didn’t know what was going on, although I don’t know how they could not see what was right in their faces. The information regarding how many young girls and others were abused has been out and available for a couple of years now. If they still attend they are choosing to support a church that covers up crimes and fosters an abusive environment. I cannot support anyone who turns a blind eye to the truth of what that church is. I cannot lie to myself and say that any of those people are or could be a friend to me. If you know, and they do, that these awful crimes have been committed and you still support Calvary Gospel then you are complicit. These people who still attend CGC are supporting racism, classism, misogyny, child abuse, and the Grants who have been a party to a multitude of sins. Saying this out loud is like breaking the final link in a chain of pain tying me to CGC. There was a time when I felt sorry for the congregation and maybe even wanted to save them in a way from the UPCI. I get the brainwashing and control and how hard it is to break free, but then I wonder how do the Grants still have a church, how are people still attending? Especially after everything with Glen Uselmann being out in the press. I believe that if they are still there it is because they want to be. This may sound harsh and it was my feelings of guilt and shame, which CGC gifted me with, which has caused me to worry about what others might think of my feelings.

I know that we are all on different parts of our journey and I do not expect everyone to agree with me. If you cannot agree with me I hope you can at least rejoice with me in my freedom. I hope that you will also understand that I no longer intend to soft-peddle my opinions about the Grants, my parents, or anyone else who abused me or watched while I was being abused and did nothing. My goal is to heal and that means getting really real.

D

Calvary Gospel Church, Childhood, Compassion, Pastor John Grant, Sexual Abuse, Sin, Survivors, Trauma, United Pentecostal Church

Some Things Never Change

Deb M

As new things develop and as I work through my personal trauma I have to ask where is the bottom? Where is the bottom when it comes to Calvary Gospel’s crimes against its congregation. I watched their Sunday morning service after they learned of Glen Uselmann’s charges and I was surprised. I shouldn’t be but I find that they never cease to amaze me. As they sink lower and lower I wonder how did they get this way? During their service, there was no mention of healing for the abused but there was mention of healing for Glenn. They did not display humbleness or any sense of self-reflection. What they did display was a sense of being persecuted. Pastor Roy Grant once again did not speak to his congregation. I have watched many regular services now and he has not spoken at any of them. I have to wonder where is his leadership? The speaker mentioned the torture of the saints and those dealing with depression but no mention was made of the trauma survivors. It is important to keep in mind that we survivors are the children of their congregation. They raised us and their lack of compassion towards our pain is nothing short of stunning. They continue to direct all of their love and compassion towards the ones who committed crimes against their children. When they speak out against myself and others they often say that we mischaracterize their views on women. I do not understand how they can say that when their views are so obvious and on full display. As girls, we were made to believe that we were second class citizens in the kingdom of God. Not just second class citizens but walking sin that needed to be covered up, hidden, and we needed to be ever vigilant lest we caused our brother to fall. Whatever they actually believed the message that was delivered was that men bear no responsibility for their actions but little girls should somehow be capable to make or break a man in the lust department. Little girls were told not to bring shame on the church by reporting, not to ruin a grown man’s life, and to take responsibility for the whole situation. Little girls often bore the stain of whatever happened while the men would go on to make their mark in the ministry. If women are truly the weaker vessel then why are they given so much responsibility to carry, especially young girls? It is also important to point out that we are talking about children. Grown men should not be lusting after children. A girl of 11 or 12 is a child. Most of the rest of society can see this why can’t they? They act so put upon, so persecuted, and they seem to have no awareness of their responsibility. As they dig in their heels they risk falling deeper into the pit they have created for themselves.

D

Calvary Gospel Church, Pastor John Grant, Sexual Abuse, Survivors, Trauma, Uncategorized, United Pentecostal Church

Something Good

Deb M

It is pretty unusual for me to have something good to report and so I am really happy to have some positive news to share with you today! Some of you may remember reading Rebecca’s story here:

https://survivingchurchandchildhood.wordpress.com/2019/03/23/a-second-victim-steps-forward-rebeccas-story/

https://survivingchurchandchildhood.wordpress.com/2019/11/12/beckys-story-continues/

I am happy to report that her abuser is going to get his day in court. You can read about his charges below!

https://wcca.wicourts.gov/caseDetail.html?caseNo=2020CF001760&countyNo=13&index=0&mode=details 

Here is an update reported in The Cap Times this morning:

https://madison.com/ct/news/local/govt-and-politics/charges-filed-in-sexual-assault-case-linked-to-madisons-calvary-gospel-church/article_34569c20-ab50-5d81-862c-d425b1281b54.html#tracking-source=home-top-story

These charges are very serious and I hope that he does some serious jail time. Rebecca is fortunate that her case is still inside the statute of limitations. I am hoping that by shining a light on this case more survivors may come forward. It can be so scary to tell your story and when you go to the police often you have to tell your story over and over. Rebecca is a brave warrior and I am so happy for her!

I would be lying if I said this situation hasn’t caused me some worry. The fact is we just do not know how Calvary Gospel and the Grant family will respond to this. They have never had the light of justice shined in their eyes before. They have never been held responsible for anything. Granted this case is bringing Glen to justice and not John Grant it still has to have them rattled. They may be called into court to testify and who knows what Glen might say about the church and the Grants when he is attempting to cut a deal. In my experience, the Grants will throw people under the bus to save their own skin. I will update you as things continue to unfold.

 

Warrior Women

I will continue to fight alongside Rebecca as long as it takes to bring all of these predators to justice!

D

 

 

BITE Model, Calvary Gospel Church, United Pentecostal Church

Thoughts About CGC and the Bite Model 2

Deb M

In my previous post, I discussed Steven Hassan’s Bite Model and how I feel it pertains to Calvary Gospel Church. I am still working through the Behavior section.

  • Regulate a person’s physical reality.
  • Dictate where, how, and with whom the member lives and associates or isolates.
  • When, how, and with whom the member has sex.
  • Control types of clothing and hairstyles.
  • Regulate diet – food and drink, hunger, and/or fasting.

Ok, that is a lot to chew on! I lumped these together because to me they all have so much to do with the material world. I think the first point covers most of the others. CGC plays a powerful role in where members reside and even which UPC church you can attend. I have heard stories of folks who have attended CGC being told they cannot move or cannot switch to another local UPC church. The church certainly teaches about who it is ok to associate with. If you are obedient regarding these things you will soon find yourself isolated with only the church as your support system. My mother was even told which jobs she could accept.

Whether you believe in premarital sex or not you cannot argue that the church dictates when, how, and with whom a member has sex. You must be married to have sex, period. If you are a woman and you break this rule you can be sure that you will wear the stain of your transgression for the rest of your life. Anything bad that happens to you may be used to point back to that time you had sex outside of marriage even if that was when you were 15 years old. Men do not wear this stain. Jesus may forgive but the church does not forget and if you are a woman you will be viewed as “fallen” forever.

I have discovered through communicating with other ex-UPC members that CGC is on the strict side concerning holiness standards. Again for men, the clothing and hair standard is not that different from what you might find in the world. They must have short hair and no shorts but that really isn’t a huge burden. Women on the other hand do not blend into the world at all, in fact, they stand out like a sore thumb. Now that I am out of the church I can spot them a mile away. Uncut hair, no pants, no makeup, and mostly no jewelry. For women, their appearance is highly controlled. As a teen, I spent a lot of time worrying about whether my clothing was right. After all that I was still judged for what I wore. I was trying but because my mother didn’t really care and I did not have an adult to guide me through some of the finer points, and boy do those finer points matter. Women within CGC are very cruel to each other regarding dress. It is used as a way to classify women and assign them a rank. How much can you spend on your clothing? Does it fall perfectly within the rules? There is also the complicating issue of depending on your rank you may be able to get away with more than someone lower down. Clothing and hair can be used as a weapon against women and it is one of the uglier parts of the underbelly of CGC. When I was a kid we did not have a lot of money, especially before 1983. My mom would buy me things on clearance and at Goodwill and then I would have to try to make it work within the standards. I always carried safety pins with me and my blouses and skirts were often all pinned up to make them compliant. My hair was fine and frizzy making it hard to recreate the fancy hairstyles synonymous with the UCP. I felt like I never looked right.

This brings us to the 5th point. You can’t drink booze that is common within the UPC. Fasting is encouraged and I did that with ease as a kid because I was well acquainted with hunger. I don’t know that they restrict any other food or drink but they do have a problem with food. This is my opinion and others may disagree with me. I feel CGC has a food problem or more specifically a gluttony problem. Food is like a sport to them. There are so many things you’re not allowed to do but eating is embraced with gusto, maybe too much gusto. Food is often associated with community and sharing food builds closeness. I feel it becomes an issue when all gatherings seem to center on food. That is how it was when I was a kid, it may have changed since then.

In my opinion, CGC hits all of these points, what are your thoughts?

D

BITE Model, Calvary Gospel Church, United Pentecostal Church

My Thoughts About Calvary Gospel Church and The BITE Model

Deb M

While trying to recover from my childhood and young adult experiences I have listened to many podcasts and read many books. Over and over I have seen and heard Steve Hassan’s BITE model discussed. I have listened to Mr. Hassan talk about his personal experiences within a cult and how he was able to escape. After learning about the BITE model I feel CGC has many features of a cult. I personally feel CGC is a cult but some of you may disagree and that is ok. BITE stands for Behavioral Control, Information Control, Thought Control, and Emotional Control. I would like to take some time on my blog to talk about some of these things and give you my perspective. My hope is that this will spark some respectful conversation and understanding.

Let’s start with a topic that falls under Behavior Control, promotes dependence and obedience. Whew, this is a meaty topic. My opinion is that CGC definitely hits this marker. Let’s talk about dependence, when you become a new member you often really don’t know what you are getting into. Maybe you came to a service because a friend or family member asked you to and the next thing you know you are down at the altar repenting surrounded by people you don’t really know. Carried along by the energy of it all before you know it you are being told you are apart of this new family. This process happens with a heavy dose of love bombing and acceptance. If you stick around you soon learn that all of that love and acceptance are not unconditional. Soon you learn that it isn’t really ok for you to keep your “worldly” friends unless you are doing it in order to bring them into the church. You should probably be careful around unsaved family as well. The devil will use anyone he can to lead you astray. Before you know it all of your friends are part of the church and all of your activities involve the church as well. It is just the safest way to be sure you only expose yourself to Godly influence. This creates dependence. It makes it very hard to leave. If you go you will lose all of those friendships and connections. You may have pushed away other support systems and burned many bridges. The church also breeds fear of the outside world which means if you try to leave you will go with a pretty hefty fear of the unknown world out there.

This brings us to obedience. You are supposed to be obedient to God, your pastor, and if you are a woman to your husband. Children should be obedient to their parents. There may be other people thrown in depending on your situation. You might feel you need to be obedient to your Elder, Sunday School Teacher, or some other teacher. One of the first things you learn is that you shouldn’t question God.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
Isaiah 55:8-9, KJV

Then you learn that you shouldn’t question your pastor.

“Saying, Touch not mine anointed, and do my prophets no harm.”
1 Chronicles 16:22, KJV

So now I am not saying that these verses are being interpreted correctly, I am saying these are the verses that were used on me when I asked questions. I am sure I am not the only one.

You are expected to be obedient to God and your pastor without questioning them. You are supposed to let your pastor tell you what God means within the pages of the Bible and that gives the pastor so much control over your life. If you do not obey your pastor then you can expect to be shunned and your status within the church will be lowered. Within CGC the pastor dictates how you dress, spend your free time, and how much money you give to the church. Now of course you can choose to not listen but if you do your life will be harder within the church. No the church does not enforce obedience at gunpoint but the emotional pain brought on by questioning and disobedience can be used as a powerful way to keep you in line.

What do you think of all of this? Have you attended a United Pentecostal Church and if so was your experience similar?

D

Calvary Gospel Church, PTSD, Support, Survivors, Trauma, United Pentecostal Church

I Can’t Believe I Have To Say This

Deb M

I can’t believe I have to say this but…here it goes…I don’t care what anyone thinks about me writing this blog. If you don’t like what I am writing about you can always feel free to scroll on by and just ignore it. I know that there are some out there who have grown up within the same church as I did who did not suffer the same level of trauma. Maybe you are whiter or had better parents, or just got lucky. No one can say why some people end up with PTSD and others do not. It could be that I am a more sensitive person than you, or it could be that I took it all more seriously. That being said, I am who I am and I have PTSD and that means that whether it was 30 or 40 years ago doesn’t really matter to me because my brain reacts like it is happening right now. I can’t just let that go because my mind will not allow it. Don’t think for one minute that I have not spent my whole adult life trying to leave it all behind.

I write for me. I write to give my child self a voice. I write to drag the sins of the past out into the light. I write in hope that others will be less afraid to step forward. I write to create change. I desire that one day those who oppress the young through fear and intimidation will fall and other more compassionate leaders will take their place. I write to give a voice to all those who are too afraid to speak, those who came before and after me for whom the stakes are too high. Yes, a lot of time has passed and it might make some more comfortable if I just shut up about it but I can’t do that. I cannot be quiet as long as other children are at risk. Just because I have made it out doesn’t remove my responsibility to let the world know that there are still others left behind. Who is speaking for the kids of color at CGC right now? Who is speaking for the girls being abused right now? I have zero reasons to believe that because most of the daily work has passed from father to son that everything is magically better. Those adults who knew about my abuse and turned a blind eye are still in leadership roles and I’m not just talking about the Grants. I will continue to speak up about this until CGC has dissolved or the UPCI has stepped in and removed the current leadership. This isn’t just about the distant past, it is about now. If you felt you had to run away from that place then you know something is wrong there. Not everyone can speak up for those kids who are still there, I understand that, all I ask is that you not throw stones at me as I try to.