Tag: blog

Depression, Trauma, Writing

Fall Slump

Deb M

Well, well, well, I knew it would hit eventually, and now it has. The terrible fall slump. Even with my light box fired up every day, my inner glow feels very dim. Some of my lack of ambition comes from the time change, ushering the darkness in earlier. The brownness of it all also plays a role. The leaves are mostly fallen, and the ground is beginning to look more like mud than pretty leaves. The few snowflakes that have fallen melt almost immediately and add to the muddiness of it all. It is an in-between time, a threshold, a breath before winter.

I wish the change in the seasons was the only thing making me feel this way. November is a hard month for me. A few years ago I suffered a betrayal that broke my heart and now every November I am reminded of what happened. I try to plan for this, knowing that it’s coming, but there are some things you just can’t plan your way through. I’m also doing some really deep trauma work right now. It’s all good stuff but it’s also exhausting.

I’ve said all this to say I just don’t feel like writing. This is very inconvenient. You might remember I’m in the midst of a writing challenge right now. Whenever a thought surfaces about writing or sending out queries, my brain begins to flood me with other options. You could clean that shelf, or put some laundry in, hey…what you really need to do is work on the Thanksgiving menu. As I slump around the house, crossing unimportant items off my list, shame and guilt rise within me. All this leaves me feeling depressed, uninspired, and just wanting to go to bed.

As I’m writing this, I am reminded that there are so many out there suffering way worse than me. The governmental shutdown has hurt so many, and I’m sure the pain is going to get worse before it gets better. All of the terrible political stuff happening in the world just seems to pile onto everything else going on.

Yep, I’m a Debbie Downer. I’m not sure why I’m writing this tonight except to say everything feels hard right now. Part of me wants to work on my current project, and the other part of me wants to write anything else. If you’re having a hard time right now, I hope it gets better soon. I will get up and back on the horse. I might even work on my project before the night is over. I just keep having to remind myself that my best has to be enough, and we all have times like this.

Book

I’ve Been Writing A Book

Deb M

I’ve been writing a book. Wow, it is scary just saying those words. It’s like speaking them makes them real. Those who are close to me are already aware of the work I’ve been doing, and I’m sure they’ve asked themselves when I’ll ever finish. Turns out writing a book is hard work. I always knew it would be, and I doubted myself plenty along the way. I didn’t anticipate how complicated the whole process would be. First, there are so many skills to learn, critiques to consider, and choices to make. What to include and what to keep back just for myself. My rough draft was finished last year, and I’ve spent a year working on revisions. Now that I’ve taken it as far as I can by myself, I’m ready to begin seeking an agent.

It dawned on me last fall that publication couldn’t be the measuring stick of my work. Of course, publication is a goal, but it is just one of many. I chose to measure my success based on whether or not I finished my book. This version of my book is complete, and I’ve been taking a breath to allow that accomplishment to sink in. I know that there will be more revisions to come once my manuscript reaches the hands of an agent and editor. I’m excited to see where that process takes my memoir, but that is for another day.

Another reason to take a pause is so that I can steel myself for the rejection to come. Yep, I’m sure there will be many rejections before I hear a yes. It could take a very long time to gain representation, and that is yet another hurdle on my journey. My heart is pretty tender, and my confidence isn’t always strong, so I’m sure this part of the process will be filled with emotional ups and downs. Once the memoir is out there, I know I will hear from people who do not like what I’ve written, and that will require even more strength, but that worry, too, is for another day.

It feels weird to not be working on revisions. Now my focus is on my book proposal, so the business end. It’s hard not to worry that I’m making it too long or too short, not professional enough, or maybe I’m not getting the right advice about what to include and what not to include. It’s like being ten months pregnant; I’m ready for this baby to be out of the oven, but the doctor has a few more forms for me to sign first.

Have you been through this process? If so, I’d love to hear from you. Do you have tricks of the trade to share? What worked and didn’t work?

Deb

Book, Healing, Update

Update

Deb M

Hello, long time no see. I’m hoping some of you have been following me over on Substack and TikTok; if not, here I am again. For the last couple of years, most of my energy has been spent working on my book. I’ve completed a two-year writing program and spent many hours in critique groups. It has been a wonderful time of self-discovery, and I’ve learned a lot about how to write a memoir. I appreciate how patient you’ve been with me as I’ve gone through this process. Currently, I’m putting the finishing touches on my book proposal so I can begin to send it out to agents. This is a scary and exhilarating time. Writing my memoir has been a gift, and I feel so privileged to have the time and resources to put into writing it. It has healed me in so many ways while also revealing new sore spots that need attention. As I move ahead, I can only hope I will be able to weather the tough publishing world. I may seem pretty durable and strong on the outside, but on the inside, I’m pretty soft. I plan to document my journey here more closely now that I’m done working on my manuscript.

One important piece of getting your book published is branding and having a platform. This is why you see me in so many places. I’m sure at times it seems like a lot, it feels that way to me, but it is what I must do to meet my goals. This is where you come in. I know some of you have been following me for a long time, and I really appreciate that. If you want to help me push my book over the finish line, please interact with my social media as much as possible. A like on FB, Substack, TikTok, and here can go a long way. It’s even better if you can comment and follow/subscribe. A platform can make or break a memoir writer.

On TikTok, I have been making videos about the church I grew up in and how they compare to the religious right, and what is happening politically now. I talk about race and class and how the church of my childhood handled those issues. My handle is @wicrow.

On Substack, I’ve been writing journal prompts for those who are thinking about or have left the UPC or other high-control groups. I’ve also written some about my experience of being a Mexican American in the current climate. You can follow me here: https://open.substack.com/pub/survivingchurchandchildhood/p/its-okay-to-like-yourself?r=3glw93&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true

I haven’t made a new post on YouTube in a long time. Once I get that going again, I will let you know. 🙂 If you know of anyone who might want me on their podcast or YouTube channel please let me know.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you. Again, I appreciate your support so much and I hope one day you’ll have my book in your hands and we can celebrate together!

Debbie