Part 7 ***Trigger Warning*** Some discussion of end times material and suicidal tendencies.
One afternoon my mother was standing in the kitchen talking on the phone attached to the wall. She seemed scared. I had no idea what was going on but I understood that it wasn’t good. With tears in her eyes she explained that my father was in the hospital. He had taken some pills and we rushed to be at his side. When we arrived my mother was hysterical with worry. She asked to see him and after a minute they told her she could go in. Because they would not allow children into the emergency psychiatric rooms I waited alone. It was all very institutional looking. Sterile green, hard plastic chairs filled the room. In the ’70s hospitals were not very inviting. No one spoke to me as I waited, it wasn’t very long until I saw my mother. She flew through the doors crying and yelling. My father had asked for his girlfriend and did not want to see my mother. This is where things went very wrong. She grabbed my hand pulling me through the halls of the hospital and out to the car. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she wailed and yanked me into the car. She was in no condition to drive but that didn’t matter. We drove around for what seemed like hours. She cried and recounted the story to me. At times she was driving on the sidewalk. “I have no one who cares about me!” “I’m all alone in the world.” “I wish I were dead,” she said. “But you have me and grandpa and grandma!” I tried to comfort her. Finally, after what seemed like forever I convinced her to go over to a friend’s house. She barreled into his driveway startling him. He was sitting in a lawn chair having a drink. John, a friend of both my parents, would sometimes watch me if they had to go out at night. My dad had done some work for him and through that they became friends. John listened to my mother’s story and did his best to calm her down. I stood at the end of the driveway frozen, not recognizing my mother. She had been upset before but nothing like this. She sat in the chair next to him crying and talking about dying. She wailed and screamed. At some point, he went inside and called an ambulance. When they arrived my mother started to yell. He had betrayed her by calling them and there was no way she was going to get into that ambulance. By this point, random neighbors had stopped to watch and John had to try to explain why there was a crazed woman wailing in his driveway. When the ambulance arrived somehow they convinced her to get in and I rode along clutching her purse in my tiny hands. I felt kind of guilty. I was ashamed of her behavior, scared about what would happen next, and also excited about riding in an ambulance. No one talked to me because they were too busy trying to keep my mother in check. She fought them and refused to lay down, finally they sedated her. She was much quieter by the time we got to the hospital. She told me to hang onto her purse and I immediately spilled it all over the emergency room floor. Tampons and money went flying. I was mortified. I wasn’t sure what tampons were but I knew she wouldn’t want everyone to see hers. That day is one of the saddest of my life. When I left the hospital she was calm and cuffed to the gurney. I went and stayed with John. He brought Muffy over to keep my company. Eventually, my aunt, Wanda, and Uncle Mike came to get me. They tried to comfort me but neither of them knew how. They were childless and everything in their house was white. It was not a kid-friendly environment. For the few weeks my mother was in the hospital they took me to see her and made sure I got to school. The hospital would let my mother out for a couple of hours to have lunch with us. I hated to see her go back. Living with my mother was hard but living with my aunt Wanda was worse. My aunt Wanda had money but she was a very cold person. I knew her and my mother did not get along and so I could never really let my guard down around her. I also knew, because my mother had no filter, that my aunt Wanda strongly disliked my father. There were many reasons to dislike my dad but one of hers was his race. Knowing I was half Mexican made me wonder if she hated me too? Soon my mother and I were back in our little apartment but nothing would ever be the same. Abandonment is one of the worst things a kid can experience. I almost lost both my parents on the same day. The dangers of the world became very clear to me. I understood that there are so many ways to lose your parents. You can lose them due to something like the rapture, or suicide, you can lose them through divorce or depression. Loss doesn’t always have to be physical, it can be emotional or mental. To this day I’m not sure which is worse. I felt guilty for being embarrassed by my mother’s behavior. I felt anger towards my father for hurting her so badly but I also wondered why he was so sad he wanted to end his life. Later he would tell me it was an accident. Neither of them ever wanted to talk about it even as the years passed and I could have better understood. All the adults around me, teachers, and neighbors looked at me with pity in their eyes but no one said a word. I could tell things were different now.
Sometime around age 7 or 8, we moved to Vera Count. It was just a couple of blocks away from School Rd. We now had a bigger place but it was definitely a step-down. We lived at the top of a circle and next to our building was a big field and wooded area. There was plenty of room to play outside and the school playground was just behind the building across the street. Just a couple of blocks can make a big difference. I could feel our poverty and the poverty of our neighbors after we moved. My mother would point out to me the good buildings and the bad buildings within our low income block. “At least we don’t live over there” she would say.
The older I got the more scared I became. During this time my mother was also becoming more and more unhinged. After her suicide attempt, she was at least being treated for depression. Later we would find out that she was bi-polar. My dad was in and out of our home, as usual, and stability was nowhere to be found. My mother was upset with her pastor because she felt he did not help her enough when she was in the hospital. She called some other pastors around town and wasn’t happy with their response either. This left us without a church and that was uncomfortable for her. She had gone to church every Sunday for her entire life and she feared for what would happen to her salvation if she wasn’t going somewhere. My aunt and uncle would invite her to go to church with them and we did for a while. That church was tiny and it reminded me of the church in the Thief in the Night series. The one they were taken to when they were about to be executed. Behind that church was a movie theater that my dad would often take me to. The theater let the church members park in its lot. When getting out of our car I always wished we were going to the theater instead. When we returned after the Sunday morning service you could smell the movie popcorn drifting through the air.
My mother used God, the rapture, and hell a lot when she was upset at me. I remember one incident when she turned the shower on for me and I was complaining that it was too hot. “It will be a lot hotter in hell if you don’t get in that shower and start listening to me! Any normal childhood sassiness or conflict could warrant a warning about missing the rapture or burning for eternity. God was her enforcer. She and my grandparents talked often about how he could see and hear everything I did and thought. Not only could my actions send me to hell but my thoughts. It’s weird to grow up having no privacy, not even within your own head. I felt like God and the devil were following me everywhere all the time. God with his book of life ready to scratch me out or write me back in and the devil just seeing if he could trip me up.
When I think of the 4 years we lived on Vera Court what stands out the most to me is how unsafe I felt all the time. The older you get the more you understand why the world is dangerous. My mom would go over the rules with me all the time, don’t answer the door unless you know the person knocking, lock the door, and deadbolt the door whenever you are in the apartment. When you are inside make sure to use the chain lock. My mother had some OCD tendencies so she would have to check the door multiple times, along with the windows, and lights. Bedtime could take awhile. After that man broke into my room she was always worried it would happen again. I was more worried about other monsters. No amount of locking things would keep Satan or God out for that matter.
When I was around 4 years old my father took me to see Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. We went to see it in the theater near my aunt’s church, the one that always tempted me with the smell of popcorn. It was pretty magical. The old theater had twinkle lights in the ceiling and I was impressed! The seats felt scratchy and heavy curtains hung down in front of the screen. Now that venue is mostly used for music and comedy performances. Whenever I go there I feel the warm memory of that first movie outing with my dad. It is still just as magical as it was in 1974. I loved the movie but the evil queen really terrified me. Soon after someone bought me this lovely gold edged Disney storybook and on the back cover was the old scary witch from Disney’s Snow White. Every night I would have to make sure the back cover was facing away from me so her evil eyes would not stare at me as I slept. Really she was the least of my worries.
In the darkness, I could never be certain that the devil would not grab me. He could be anywhere. Under my bed, in the closet, or under a pile of clothing. I would worry about men coming to get me and chop off my head or make me take the mark of the beast. I always slept with my face and right hand covered in hopes of keeping someone from giving me the mark when I wasn’t awake. Silly really but it was kid logic. All these fears fed into other unrelated fears, or maybe regular childhood fears. I was afraid of this character on Sesame Street and to a greater level Mr. Yuck. Whenever the character came on or the Mr. Yuck commercial came on PBS I would hide under our coffee table until it was over. All kids go through these things but I had no adult around to talk me through it so the fears got bigger and stronger. I can still remember how my heart pounded. My mother was oblivious to it all until she was home on vacation one week and witnessed me cowering under the coffee table. We talked about it but I don’t know if it made me feel any better. I was very fearful of UPC symbols on products because I had been taught that the mark of the beast would be just like those symbols. Each UPC symbol already had 666 embedded in it just waiting to be activated when the Antichrist came into power. Add to that all of the things that had Mr. Yuck stickers on them and even things like cleaning products under the sink became diabolical. I would turn the labels in the refrigerator and cupboards so the UPC symbol was facing away and if I was in the bathtub or shower I would do the same. As I write this my thoughts are that I sound nuts, and then I remember that I need to show compassion to myself. Children should be taught healthy fear of some things because otherwise, they may not survive childhood. The problem is my childhood was awash in all sorts of unhealthy fears.
Not long after we moved to Vera Ct we were invited to ride the Sunday school bus to a new Church. At first, when the Sunday school folks would knock on the door my mother would hide. She did this whenever someone came to the door unexpectedly. She hated when people would try to sell her something or the Jehovah’s Witnesses would stop by to chat. She would pull the shades and put her finger to her lips to signal to me to be quiet. She would peek through the shades in order to judge when they had left the building. Only then would she tell me it was clear. These new unexpected guests were from the United Pentecostal Church. At first, my mother was reluctant. She did not agree with how they baptized people, but after a while, she gave in. She was a church hopper and I think she was tired of trying to find the right place. She also really enjoyed their worship style and I think that kind of grabbed her. My mother loved music more than almost anything and if there was one thing she hated it was dry worship services. Calvary Gospel United Pentecostal Church did not have dry worship services, in fact, it was quite the opposite. It was not unusual to see people loudly speaking in tongues, dancing in the spirit, or running through the aisles. It could be pretty entertaining for a kid to watch, it certainly wasn’t dull. It seemed a lot like the Jimmy Swaggart services my mother would watch on television. He would sing and speak in tongues. He sometimes danced on stage a little. It wasn’t that foreign. I liked the church at first. The people seemed friendly and the church itself was a nice facility. As an adult, I can look back and see there was a fair amount of love bombing going on. These people appeared friendly on the surface but there was an edge there. I enjoyed the worship services along with my mother. The clapping and upbeat music were fun to sing along to. At this point, I was too young to really understand what we were becoming involved with. There is no way I could have known that there was no room for childhood within this church just like there was no room for childhood in my regular day to day life. I was a stressed-out kid and this was about to get much worse. They say His burden is light but the burden of his church almost killed me.
Before I go any further I feel I should say that I believe The United Pentecostal Church to be a cult. I believe that they engage in brainwashing and use cultish means to keep people in line. I know that not everyone who reads this will agree with me. I can only speak from my experience and from what I hear from fellow survivors.
I liked riding the Sunday school bus! We would sing and when they dropped us at home I would get to pick a piece of candy. Sometimes my mom did not want to go and she would force me to hide with her. It never mattered if I wanted to go or not. My grandparents were very unhappy to hear she was attending a “Jesus Only” church. They gave her a lot of grief about it. They did not live in town and the church people saw her more, I think in the end the church won due to proximity and persistence. My aunt Wanda did not approve either. She would tell my mother any chance she got which drove them further apart.
In reality skipping church was not that bad. The Sunday school bus was fun but my Sunday School class was another story. When we skipped church my mother would make homemade cinnamon rolls with me and she would watch some television preacher while I did whatever I wanted. I thought she was an amazing baker, she wasn’t, but she could turn that dough into something so delicious!.
My parents and my grandparents taught me from the cradle that giving money to the church was very important. My mom would press coins into my hand before leaving me at Sunday school so I would always have something for the offering plate. Weirdly my mother did not feel that tithing was important, she would always say God understands and so we give what we can. Calvary Gospel Church did not agree with that. God may understand but Pastor Grant did not. Sunday school was ok. I really did not enjoy being around other kids that much so I just tried to get through it mostly for the cookie and juice. I’d much rather be upstairs where the action was happening. We would hear the same stories over and over again all told with little felt people on a felt board. We had two older ladies who taught our class of 7 and 8-year-olds. One would tell the stories and the other would glare at us so we would not get too squirrely. Whenever we were allowed to be in the adult service, usually during the holidays, it was so interesting. All of those ladies in their fancy dresses and big hair. Part of me wanted to be just like them and another part of me wanted to be like the pastor. Whenever I played church at home I was always the pastor and I didn’t know yet that women couldn’t be pastors. I wondered how they chose which verses to read? Do they practice a lot? Maybe when I was a grown-up it would all come to me. I made little hymnals out of paper and handed them out to all of my stuffies. When I got older I would have my Barbies dress up in their best dresses and there might even be someone dancing in the aisle. I created a little church using books and blocks. Lots of Barbie weddings happened there. I believe what drew me to the idea of being a pastor was a desire to care for others. I knew that the adults in my life placed great importance on the church and so if I wanted to impress them, and I did, the church would be the best way to accomplish that.
I made a few friends when we started to go to more than just the Sunday morning service. I always felt a little on the outside of things because we were attending but not officially “saved” and therefore not totally in. My mother eventually gave in and got rebaptized so she would be considered saved by their standards. This only made the pressure on me greater. Adults would always ask, “When are you going to get the Holy Ghost?” The United Pentecostal Church only believes you have the Holy Ghost if you speak in tongues. I have spoken to many adults who grew up within the UPC church who fully admit to faking speaking in tongues just to get the pressure off. Of course, this doesn’t remove the pressure of worrying about going to hell. The UPC believes that you must repent, be baptized in Jesus’s name by immersion, and then speak in tongues to be saved. If any part of this formula is missing you will not be allowed into heaven. It can be heartbreaking to watch people struggle through waiting to be filled with the Holy Ghost. They would often repent and get baptized and then not speak in tongues for a long time all the while their salvation hangs in the balance. Our pastor taught a hell where you would burn forever but never die. It is a terrible idea for most adults to grapple with and for children it is the stuff of nightmares. Being separated from God is sad but for a child to be separated from every adult in your life is even scarier. Abandonment is a huge worry for all children. They ask the question, “Am I safe?” “Can I depend on the adults in my life to be there?” The church I grew up in would answer, maybe not. Children are exposed to these messages long before they can handle the content and are expected to make decisions about faith long before they can really comprehend the message. My childhood understanding of salvation went something like…I’m bad, Jesus is the only one who can save me so I have to do what he says, or His father will send me to hell if I don’t comply. Not really much of a salvation message.
My favorite part of church was the worship portion. I loved to sing and when I sang I felt close to God. If the worship service was really hot we might not even have a preaching portion. It all depended on how the “spirit moved.” I loved those services, all-singing, and no scary parts. Once the preaching started, who knew what you might get.
My mother had a hard time making friends even after they considered her saved. She never thought she was good enough and always thought people were gossiping about her. She just seemed to lack the ability to trust. In the end, there were a few kind souls who tried to be friends with her and for a while, this church looked like it might be a good thing in our lives. She still had her good pal Gail and my mother even invited her to church. Gail did not seem as impressed as my mother was but she would still come from time to time. She always came if they were showing the “Thief in the Night” films. Yep, this church showed them too. No matter where we went I couldn’t get away from them. Strangely, my mother never had trouble making friends outside the church. It is only within the church that she struggled.
As a side note, it turns out there was a lot of gossip going on within the church so my mother wasn’t totally off in her concern. She would have never fit in there for the long haul. She was too working-class poor and eventually divorced. Plus they considered her marriage to my father to be interracial and that was a big no-no. The church taught that if you were in an interracial marriage when you became saved you should stay in that marriage. Over the years I watched how people in interracial marriages were treated and it was racist. My mother can be difficult to understand. As much as she was worried about missing the rapture she was also a bit of a free spirit. I think those parts of her core personality were always at odds with each other. She never gave up her pants or stopped cutting her hair even though the church taught strongly against these things. Compliance was not strictly necessary for salvation but then it kind of was. If you sinned by not following God’s word about your hair then you might miss the rapture or lose your salvation. Salvation was something we were always fighting for and it could slip through your fingers in a moment. I felt like I was always one mistake away from being lost. As a teen, I would envision what it would be like to be in heaven if my mother ended up in hell. I could never figure out how I could be happy knowing she was suffering forever, how could that be heaven? The church would say that God and heaven would be so wonderful and pure and therefore you would have no concern for such things.
Debbie McNulty 