Forgiveness can be a beautiful act to witness and experience. It is central to Christianity’s salvation message. I feel it is one of the most positive messages you will hear when attending church. Unfortunately, that message has a shadow side. When those in authority decide that forgiveness means that someone who has committed a crime should not suffer the consequences of that crime the message becomes toxic. That attitude assumes that the forgiven person will never commit the crime again and it assumes that the community is no longer at risk. It also minimizes the harm done to the victim. Just because the perpetrator is forgiven by god doesn’t mean that the victim isn’t still suffering the consequences of whatever happened.
I have encountered story after story where the perpetrator was quickly moved away from the church into another unsuspecting congregation. The victim is left to deal with the gossip and shame surrounding the incident. The perpetrator’s life goes on and the victim’s life is destroyed. Often the victim is blamed for the absence of a beloved perp and viewed as a troublemaker. In the case of Calvary Gospel UPC, this often means the young woman is kicked out of school and youth group. Her peers are told not to communicate with her unless they want to be removed from the community as well. She is cut off from her support system at a time when she needs them the most. Because the victims are often minors they have few choices. The perps, on the other hand, go on with their adult life often paying next to no cost for what they have done. They are not shut away from support or the company of their peers. They might be forced to move temporarily but it is seldom permanent. They might lose their license to preach but often they are invited to preach and teach later with or without a license.
Why shouldn’t these men be turned into the police? If they want to claim god’s forgiveness I’m ok with that, but does that forgiveness mean they don’t have to obey the law? If someone commits murder would they cover that up too? If someone robbed the church would they extend the same forgiveness without police involvement, I think not. What about mandatory reporting laws? I have been unable to figure out if there were mandatory reporting laws on the books in 81/82. My case happened a long time ago but some of the women who I’ve talked to experienced abuse that clearly happened when mandatory reporting laws were on the books. So I guess that is another law it is ok to ignore if you are a Christian? The perp breaks the law when he commits the crime and then the pastor also breaks the law by failing to report. Parents who fall under the pastor’s leadership often do nothing but add to the shame and torture the victim is experiencing. Is it criminal to not report the rape and molestation of your own child?
I’m going to be bold now and speak my mind completely. Make no mistake Calvary Gospel has two types of women you can be. Madonna or whore, it is a story as old as time. If you and your virginity make it to the marriage altar then you gain the Madonna role. You will be held up as an example and they will praise you. If you are one of the many who is sexually abused during childhood then the only role available for you is the whore. I know this is harsh language but it is the truth and someone needs to say it. If a sexual crime is committed against you no amount of god’s forgiveness will wipe away the stain in the eyes of the church. You will carry the shame of that crime forever unless you get out of the church and do a mountain of work, I’ve done all that and I still feel shame thirty years later. Meanwhile, the pastor and perp feel no shame and suffer no consequences. If you are a young man with a bad reputation and you change then you are seen as a story of great redemption. Most young victims never find that redemption if they stay in the church because they never receive any counseling or even recognition of the horrible crime committed against them.
Sexual abuse, molestation, child abuse, sexual assault, rape, whatever you choose to call the crime it deserves to be punished. As a society, we must be willing to hold religious leaders to the same standard as everyone else. Religious freedom should not be a cover to commit a crime without penalty. Were you enraged to find out what was happening within the Catholic church? What about the FLDS? I’m here to tell you it is happening within the UPC too. I’m sounding an alarm and I hope the UPCI will pay attention and take action against these pastors and perpetrators. I hope they will seek to make restitution towards all of the victims who have suffered and had their lives destroyed by the church.
D
Debbie McNulty 
I wholeheartedly agree. Just because someone “repents “ and claims that god has forgiven them, doesn’t erase the consequences of their actions. If they were truly repentant and honest, they’d confess and turn themselves in. The people that know, allow, look the other way, or intimidate, are just as guilty.
I too was sexually assaulted at the age of 14 by a minister at that church. He had been grooming me since the age of 12. When the pastor found out, I was told to “not rock the boat”. My abuser intimated me and told me to lie. Many people in the congregation knew, but he was a “man of god”, so nothing was ever done openly. He’s still a minister there. And through the years, I’ve heard other stories about inappropriate behaviors, but no accountability.
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I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
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The pastor of the church I was in did call the authorities and report my abuse, but as soon as the police left, he sat me down and told me it was now time to forgive. No further discussion or help, add in the shame of everyone knowing and judging. This led to years of me turning my shame and anger in on myself. No counseling was offered for many years until I was acting out as a teen and we were out of the church. Forgiveness cannot be given by a survivor until they have worked through their own feelings and trauma, even then it must be their choice, no one ever has the right to tell them they have to forgive.
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I agree.
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“I’m going to be bold now and speak my mind completely. Make no mistake Calvary Gospel has two types of women you can be. Madonna or whore, it is a story as old as time. If you and your virginity make it to the marriage altar then you gain the Madonna role. You will be held up as an example and they will praise you. If you are one of the many who is sexually abused during childhood then the only role available for you is the whore. I know this is harsh language but it is the truth and someone needs to say it. If a sexual crime is committed against you no amount of god’s forgiveness will wipe away the stain in the eyes of the church. You will carry the shame of that crime forever unless you get out of the church and do a mountain of work, I’ve done all that and I still feel shame thirty years later. Meanwhile, the pastor and perp feel no shame and suffer no consequences. If you are a young man with a bad reputation and you change then you are seen as a story of great redemption. Most young victims never find that redemption if they stay in the church because they never receive any counseling or even recognition of the horrible crime committed against them.”
This paragraph is EVERYTHING.
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Thank you!
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I am so glad I came across your blog. From the ages of 8-15 I belonged to the UPCI and during this time i was sexually abused by my step father. Not only did the church know, my pastor was my counselor through it. I was told what a good man my step dad was… I was also instructed to pray for God to change whatever it was in me that caused my stepdad to falter. I grew up believing it was my fault.. and why wouldn’t I? The very people who were supposed to protect me were not only defending my stepdad but accusing me of basically asking for it. The pastor was the chaplain of the police department in our town. When I was around 15 the state stepped in and removed me from that home. I was exiled from the church for naming my pastor as one of the many adults who knew what was happening to me. I lost everything and everyone I knew. All of the kids in the youth group that I grew up with were no longer allowed to speak to me. Rumors were spread about me that I was no longer in that home or attending church because I was “wild” and wanted to be free to wear pants, makeup etc… none of that was true but it was believed. I would send anonymous emails telling me to kill myself. So by the age of 16, I attempted suicide. What went on in that church absolutely almost destroyed me. It certainly left lasting scars that I have struggled with for nearly 2 decades. Thank you for speaking out and shedding light on a very dark corner of this organization!
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I am so sorry about what happened to you. I wish I could say that your story surprises me but sadly it does not. I hope that you have found some healing. Let me know if I can help in any way!
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