As things have unfolded many people have asked me about my parents and their role in all of this. I have covered this at length here in my blog. Feel free to go back through the archives and you will see I do not let my parents off the hook. Some have said that the parents should be prosecuted for not reporting. My parents are no longer with us. I feel one thing that is missing in the discussion about parents is an understanding of how Calvary Gospel works.
I tell my truth here in MY blog. I believe that the UPC and Calvary Gospel are a cult. In Madison, the church revolves around John Grant and a cult of personality. He may be a bishop now and not the senior pastor but that doesn’t mean that his shadow doesn’t loom large. Everyone within the church is expected to follow him and “question not God’s anointed.” Parents often let the pastor make decisions that really should be made by parents. If the pastor says do not report to the police they will most likely do what he says. I’m not saying they are off the hook, but I am saying many of them are brainwashed. I would ask for the same understanding of these people as you would extend to any cult victim. I know that pastor Grant told one set of parents to let him worry about reporting and the perpetrator. He instructed them to go home and take care of their daughter. They took this to mean things were being taken care of.
There is a strong message of not bringing the police into the church. This is for many reasons, one is because it could bring scandal and shame onto the church. It might keep new folks from coming in and getting saved. This message is sent to both victims and their parents. You also have to understand that these people believe God will handle it all. God will forgive, the victim will forgive, her parents will forgive, and then it will all go away. Meanwhile, the young person who has been victimized is left to twist in the wind. Their feet having been set on a path of trauma and burden. They suffer the trauma of what has happened to them for the rest of their life and along with that so much more. The burden of not talking about things is big, move on and forgive no matter the cost. If you can’t do that (guess what most can’t) then the problem is with you. You haven’t truly forgiven, you’re not trusting God enough, God would heal you if you’d just figure out the formula and get over it.
Parents have often gone to the pastor for help. “Please keep this creep away from my daughter” they cry! They might inquire as to why 30+-year-old men hang out with the youth group. Often they are labeled trouble makers and dismissed and ignored. Here is where the real struggle is…they are taught that the UPC is the only place you can go to be saved. Calvary Gospel is the place or another oneness church. No one else has the truth. So they feel they must keep attending and bringing their babies to the church. So what do you do? If we don’t go to church there our babies won’t be saved, if we do go to church there the creepy guy is going to keep trying to groom our daughter. Plus the pastor seems to think we are nuts or overreacting. They are taught that the church is a godly place, a safe place and that the pastor is head over it all. This is why he is responsible. You can’t say “question not God’s anointed” and expect people to trust and obey their pastor when he makes good choices and then not also apply this when he makes wrong decisions.
In the end, the whole thing is about control and image. Children are sacrificed so that the church can continue to look superior. John Grant is crying about his reputation. His reputation is more important to him than the lives of so many who have been hurt by his decisions and leadership. Hell and damnation hang in the balance for these parents. They have been taught that if you go against your pastor or take your family out of the church you will go to hell. A literal hell burning you forever and ever hell. You might miss the rapture and your children might have to be beheaded to gain entrance into heaven. Many of these parents make the best choices they can and they now fully admit the choices were wrong and they were misled. Other parents see what is happening and allow it to happen because honestly, that is the church culture. You see it everywhere! Older guys and younger women. Because you cannot date outside the church some parents are just glad their daughter is being pursued by a “godly man.” Many parents would never expect that these men are trying to have sex with their daughters. Sex outside of marriage is forbidden. Plus the pastor sees all of this and says nothing. No one ever tells the men to stop, so it seems as if he condones the behavior and since he is like a god it leaves people confused.
Some of the men prey on kids like me who had sick parents. My mom sent me to church believing I would be safe and that anyone who attended could be trusted because they were God’s people. She trusted pastor Grant. I went to my pastor and not my mother because he was the highest authority I could go to. My mother had no control over Steve but pastor Grant did. Pastor Grant was the biggest man I knew, the highest figure in my life besides God. As a little girl I went to the man I thought had God’s ear and I told him my troubles. Sure my mother should have done more, but this doesn’t mean that pastor Grant has no responsibility. I spent more time at church than I did at home. Not a single person, pastor Grant or church member ever checked in on me. No one prayed with me or asked me if I needed a friend or support. Wouldn’t you think he would have directed people to take care of me knowing what he knew? Instead, I held all my truth inside and it crippled me.
I hope this helps folks to understand. As I stated previously please go back and read some of my other posts.
D
Debbie McNulty 
It’s unfortunate you even have to explain this to people who are just trying to redirect the blame off of the pastor and onto the parents. There is more than enough blame to go around and yes, if you set yourself up as a cult leader you are ultimately accountable for what you tell your followers to do and not do.
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Agreed!
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Very well put, Debbie. We were totally taught to trust and obey grant no matter what. We were told not to question him or go against him in any way. So when he had us in a meeting and informed us that our daughter had been seduced by a married man much older than herself, and we had no idea they had spent any time together, it was beyond shocking to say the least! (We knew he flirted with her when she was younger. Dan went to him at least twice to tell him to stay away from her and we also asked both john and darlene grant to talk to him about it. We do not know of any time they spent together outside of being at church on the same days. When she was around 17 she went to live with her dad, mostly because she so hated cgc). So back to the meeting, in our state of shock and heartbreak, with 2 pastors, 4 elders, and a police officer at our side, grant told us he had to report this, that he would not go to jail for a fornicator. He told us to focus on our daughter, see that she is restored to God, (for being a victim), and let him take care of the rest of it. It shames me to say that we believed and trusted him to do what he said he’d do. In 2018 we discovered that grant had never reported it and that the police officer in the room did nothing. (He was a member of cgc). We were betrayed. Guilty? I don’t know if we are guilty by law, but we were surely guilty of being brainwashed, controlled and ignorant in the ways of a con man. People can point fingers all they want at the parents, but until they understand the workings of a cult, they will never understand. Debbie, keep sharing your truth. I know it hurts you, but eventually it will bring healing. We stand with you and with the others.
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Love you Laura!
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I am so sorry for what you have been through as a parent. My heart breaks for all of you. When we have our babies, nothing matters more than to protect them. You were betrayed in the worst possible way.
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Another thing to point out is that, many people tend to underestimate the power of narccissism, the power the cult like organizations have, or why people would continue to flock to them. They tend to think that brainwashing is very visble and obvious enough that its easy to stay out of, and that people must not have much will power or be educated enough to become a part of a place like that, or follow someone like that. On the contrary, many people do it every single day, very educated people, very loving people, very confident people. It simply is easier to get on the bandwagon of what appears to be a good purpose, then it is to stand alone against what the majority is saying and doing.
The UPC church flourishes because one thing they focus on is your eternal life, your soul, rather then the material things. Debbie and others described it well. This isnt like messing up at a job and getting fired. To the UPC church, a child making an accusation against an adult there, or an adult who is not a part of the church, is attacking the integrity of the house of God, their soul is at risk, their falling to the guiles of Satan, and that is exactly what makes these abuses worse, and very much the churches responsibilty. Because, if you are a preditor, or want control over people, you will seek out places like this church and other cults because you have even less chance of being called out for your wrongs than you do in general society, and also more chance to use their teachings to your benefit. Telling a child who doesnt even know what sex is, that they were causing temptation, telling an adukt that the most important thing is eternity, so you best listen to the experienced elders who have been there the longest. Telling the congregation that those speaking out against the church are bringing damnation on themselves.
Is that the fault of parents? Yes. Is that the fault of abusers? Yes. Is that the fault of the organization amd its beliefs? Yes. The only innocent ones are the children who did not understand all that was going on, and that is why it often takes so long, even into adulthood to recognize it.
Some of these parents are no longer here to vouge for what happened, some are still in the mindset of the cult, and some are now supportting and trying to help their children amd adults now. Does that mean the parent should take all fault? No. The organization that makes gain based on their reputation of being a safe, Godly place, absolutely needs to back up their claims. If you order chicken nuggets for your child at a resturant, and they tell you their made of real chicken, then your child eats them and you find out their made of fish, then yes its the resturants fault.
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By saying one party is at fault, by no means eliminates any responsibility by another party. No one has remotely implied that the parents aren’t involved or at least somehow culpable.
The thing is, we discussed this in the arena of the statute of limitations and adding clergy as mandatory reporters. So they were and are the focus in that discussion.
You can’t force parents to be mandatory reporters. But you can ask that other parties, other public servants, as objective witnesses, be mandatory reporters. If an adult knows that a child is being harmed, and the parents are either doing it or allowing it, the other adult should intervene. No one is releasing the parents from responsibility, but if a child asks clergy for help, and the clergy is equally as corrupt, they should also be held responsible.
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