Category: Writing

Depression, Trauma, Writing

Fall Slump

Deb M

Well, well, well, I knew it would hit eventually, and now it has. The terrible fall slump. Even with my light box fired up every day, my inner glow feels very dim. Some of my lack of ambition comes from the time change, ushering the darkness in earlier. The brownness of it all also plays a role. The leaves are mostly fallen, and the ground is beginning to look more like mud than pretty leaves. The few snowflakes that have fallen melt almost immediately and add to the muddiness of it all. It is an in-between time, a threshold, a breath before winter.

I wish the change in the seasons was the only thing making me feel this way. November is a hard month for me. A few years ago I suffered a betrayal that broke my heart and now every November I am reminded of what happened. I try to plan for this, knowing that it’s coming, but there are some things you just can’t plan your way through. I’m also doing some really deep trauma work right now. It’s all good stuff but it’s also exhausting.

I’ve said all this to say I just don’t feel like writing. This is very inconvenient. You might remember I’m in the midst of a writing challenge right now. Whenever a thought surfaces about writing or sending out queries, my brain begins to flood me with other options. You could clean that shelf, or put some laundry in, hey…what you really need to do is work on the Thanksgiving menu. As I slump around the house, crossing unimportant items off my list, shame and guilt rise within me. All this leaves me feeling depressed, uninspired, and just wanting to go to bed.

As I’m writing this, I am reminded that there are so many out there suffering way worse than me. The governmental shutdown has hurt so many, and I’m sure the pain is going to get worse before it gets better. All of the terrible political stuff happening in the world just seems to pile onto everything else going on.

Yep, I’m a Debbie Downer. I’m not sure why I’m writing this tonight except to say everything feels hard right now. Part of me wants to work on my current project, and the other part of me wants to write anything else. If you’re having a hard time right now, I hope it gets better soon. I will get up and back on the horse. I might even work on my project before the night is over. I just keep having to remind myself that my best has to be enough, and we all have times like this.

Writing

November Writing Challenge

Deb M

It might seem strange to begin a new book when the first one hasn’t been published yet, but trust me there is a reason for my madness. As I’ve been going through the process of querying agents I’ve heard the same advice over and over. Don’t stop writing. This makes sense to me because writing is the part of this whole adventure that really feeds me. The business end of things is not my cup of tea, and so if I can balance that out with some writing every day I think that would be healthy. Of course, I never really stopped writing because I write here and on Substack, it’s just a different kind of writing.

My plan is to participate in the Reedsy November Writing Challenge. I will be aiming for 50,000 words by the end of the month. The working title of my new project is called, A Spiritual Home. It will be another memoir, and very different from the one I am currently seeking representation for. It’s still vulnerable work and I will have to dig deep into my bravery stores in order to complete it. Wish me luck! If you want to join me in the writing challenge, drop me an email and I will help you get started.

Writing

Freshen Up

Deb M

Hello friends, as you may have noticed I’ve freshened up my page. I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time. I’m pretty happy with how it turned out considering I’m not a web designer. I also aquired a domain name, debbiemcnultywrites.com. Things are humming along, especially now that I’ve finished my first batch of agent queries. It has been my habit for many years to take a sabbatical during the month of October. It has been a long time since I’ve arrived at the threshold beween September and October feeling so tired. My hope is that the rest will do me good and I will be able to come out swinging in early November. It can be hard to step away from work that is important to you. I’ve done this many times and I know that I will come out on the other side with a new perspective and hopefully a cup full of energy. I intend to keep posting some to my social media it will just be less frequent.

Hope you’re having a lovely autumn!

Debbie

Book, The United Pentecostal Church, Trauma, Uncategorized, Writing

There Is Always More

Deb M

The last couple of weeks have been a challenge. As you know I’m currently writing a book. I’ve been feeling stuck and frustrated with the process. At the same time I’ve been having many fresh realizations. It feels like more and more layers of UPCI indoctrination are being stripped from me. I’ve had mind blowing ah-has that have left me overwhelmed as I’ve tried to process them. I find myself thinking how strange it is that there is still more to be stripped away. It feels like after all these years there should be nothing left, but there is always more.

For decades I have been seeking to better understand what happened to me when I was a child. I’ve engaged with all sorts of ideas that range from Christian to atheist, always unwinding the past and trying to make sense of it all. Writing my memoir has heightened my questioning which in turn has given me more to unwind and process. Writing while processing can be really taxing and so at times I feel compelled to just surrender to the waves. This means stepping away from my keyboard and taking time to just tear the layers away and see what is underneath. Each wave removes another layer and then there is a tiny transformation, I am changed. Some of these transformations bring joy and that is always a nice surprise. Other transformations reveal another layer of anger and resentment. Next, I have to make peace with whatever has been revealed. I have to learn to accept this new to me self that has been buried deep within. During this time I usually end up asking myself many questions, this part can lead me right back to the unwinding stage. Finally when my emotions and questions have quieted down I can find my way back to the keyboard. Hopefully then my transformed self can bring something fresh, a deeper insight to it all. This is often needed as it can be hard to keep revising the same chapters over and over.

My desire in sharing this with you today is just to reach out. I’m still here, I’m still willing to listen and help, and I’m still working through my own trauma. Please feel free to check in and let me know how you’re doing. Now, I’ve got to get back to my book.

Deb

Rapture Anxiety, The United Pentecostal Church, Trauma, Writing

Writing and Trauma

Deb M

Hello and happy February! I’m sorry I have been away for so long. I’ve been spending much of my free time focusing on my book. It is coming along nicely and I can’t wait to share it all with you. I’m not gonna lie, the editing process has been tough. As I dig deeper and deeper into my own story more and more trauma is uncovered. Along with that, the same old trauma is always waiting for me on the page. I find myself wishing I could just let it all go and not have to keep coping with the triggers that jump out at me when I’m alone.

The writing process requires you to ask yourself many questions. One of the first ones is, why are you writing this book? It’s a good question. Why would I want to relive all the pain and trauma I’ve suffered? Why not just ignore it all and move on with my life? The short answer is that ignoring it is never an answer. It is a part of me and not something I can choose not to look at. The longer answer is that I want to share my experiences in hopes that it will help other survivors feel less alone. A surprising reason to write this book has been to bring about additional unexpected healing for myself. Unfortunately, healing doesn’t often happen without pain. I believe that many people avoid healing because they know that the path through it will bring sadness and the facing of demons from the past.

If you’re a United Pentecostal lurking on my page I hope that you will come to see that the damage done to survivors of your organization is long-lasting. It is never as easy as no longer being bitter and just forgiving. Right now as I’m revising my book two things are looming large in my mind. The first one is the Steve Dahl portion. Through the process of revising I’ve come to realize that the damage he caused me is so much greater than I ever imagined. Its echoes have infected all of my relationships with the opposite sex and my entire sex life. That is a high cost to pay for what many have told me is a long-ago event that I should just get over. It has been heart-wrenching to write about, but what came after was almost worse. Calvary Gospel church and the way they treated me is unforgivable. Writing it all out and seeing it all through my 53-year-old eyes and understanding has brought about a clarity I never had before. I will never understand how grown adults who are supposed to be part of a faith centered on love can just turn their backs on a child. It was mean, petty, and life-wrecking. Writing about it makes my chest literally hurt. A blackness follows me around when I spend too much time focused on these parts of my book. I dissociate and have to remind myself that I have value and I’m worthy. The UPC church can seem very loving until it isn’t. If writing my book can save one person from that heartache it will have been worth it. In the meantime, I battle my demons. Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose.

The second monster I cope with while writing is the Book of Revelations monster. Thank goodness for EMDR therapy. https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments/eye-movement-reprocessing. Without it, I would not be able to write about the rapture and everything that goes with it. That being said, this doesn’t mean that I’m not triggered or that it isn’t scary. I’m not afraid of the rapture I’m afraid of my memories of being taught about it. When I write about it I get that same pain in my chest and a sense of dread follows me for days. These ideas planted in my mind before I even went to school have been with me for as long as I can remember. Visuals pop into my head unbidden and then it can take days to chase them off into the corners of my mind. They’re not gone but they’re not threatening to take over anymore. It is during these times that I wonder why the church focused on hell and the end times so much. There is so much you can teach a small child about god and the Bible. Because the scary stories of the Bible were taught to me so young they took over my mind and everything else about god seemed secondary. Who cares about all those Sunday school stories when we are talking about a god who might throw me into a lake of fire to burn forever. It’s like talking about a serial killer and everyone wanting to focus on how he bakes good cookies. It just seems like the cookies don’t matter if he might slit your throat at any moment. I’m choosing to go through the trauma dredged up in this part of the book for survivors as well. I’m going through it for all the little girls afraid to sleep at night. Afraid they might miss the rapture. I’m writing it for all the adults I know who still fear being left behind. I see you and you’re not crazy.

I’ve been rambling. I’m sorry. When I write about the traumatic responses I experience I get flooded. It can be hard to write as clearly as I want to. If reading this has triggered you here are a few things you can do:

  1. Call a friend who understands. At times we just need to be reminded we are safe.
  2. Get outside. I like to put some happy music on and go for a walk.
  3. Yoga, or some other kind of movement. Yoga really helps me to slow my breathing down.
  4. Cleanse your mental palate. Watch a funny TV show, work on a craft or project that requires concentration, or do something social.
  5. EFT https://focus.psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/foc.8.1.foc32 You can find tons of free videos on YouTube.
Inner critic, United Pentecostal Church, Writing

My Inner UPCI Critic

Deb M

As I’ve been on my writing journey I’ve learned that I have a lot of inner critic work to do. After all this time I thought I knew who my inner critics were and the purpose they served. Last week while chatting with a friend I realized that many of my inner critics are tied to a UPCI inner critic. She’s mean, she hates me, and her main purpose seems to be to make me afraid. Sure she’d like me to fear hell’s flames and eternal damnation but more than that she wants me to fear telling my story. She throws up arguments that center on rejection and judgement from people who wrote me off a long time ago. She reminds me of the pain and tears they’ve caused me and she tells me to shut up before I’m hurt again. She blames me for my trauma and warns me of all the bad things that could happen if I keep writing. Her face resembles a conglomeration of all the mean church ladies I’ve ever known. Because of the work that I’ve done I know that she is making herself mean and scary to keep me from being hurt. The remedy is to remind her that I’m ok. I’ve survived and there is nothing the church can say to me or about me that they haven’t already said. She is the front line of my defenses. She snarls and bites, warns and glares. Behind all that is a scared wounded child desiring safety. I’m grateful for her attempts to keep me safe and I honor all her contributions to my survival. I could ask her to take an extended vacation but I think I will let her continue to stand alongside me for a little longer. Now that I understand this part of myself better I can apply self-compassion and feel gratitude for her service.

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