Category: Rapture Anxiety

End Times, Rapture, Rapture Anxiety, Survivors, Trauma

It’s The Endtimes…Again

Deb M

*Trigger Warning* Rapture anxiety, religious trauma

Are you feeling your nervous system activated by all the media coverage about the war with Iran? It’s hard to escape the news. It has only taken a few days for people in the Trump administration to begin to claim this war is sanctioned by God. Aaron Parnas has been reporting on how some of the military leadership are telling soldiers that Trump was “anointed by Jesus to lead the Iran war.” Then come the quotes from the religious right on social media about “wars and rumors of wars.” Could this be the end we’ve all been waiting for?

This kind of talk is all about Israel and the book of Revelation. As a gen-xer I’ve been here many, many times. This time feels worse than the ones that came before because now they’re not even trying to hide their motivations. They boldly claim Trump to be God’s instrument without even a hint of a blush. In their minds, the endtimes are not something to be feared but something to be encouraged. If Trump can push them closer to their goal, that’s great, even if he seems like the farthest thing from a godly man. They see themselves as the winners at the end of it all, the ultimate chance to own the libs.

For those of us with religious trauma, times like these can be tough. Even if you no longer believe in the rapture or the endtimes it can make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. For me, it brings up so much of my childhood trauma. I know I’d be struggling more right now if I hadn’t done so much trauma recovery work on this topic. As some of you know, I’m in the process of publishing my book. The endtimes play a big role in my childhood. Everyone in my family was always looking for the signs and worrying about who was and wasn’t going to make the rapture. Every war from when I was born in 1970 till now has been seen as proof of the coming Great Tribulation. The impact of this is so strong that whenever I see military vehicles I don’t think of the military I think of the Tribulation. I think of “A Thief In The Night.”

“Tonight I’m being tormented by the monster I call Rapture. I’ve fought this monster a million times. These battles leave me sleep-deprived and ragged, but I always prevail. I’m fifty-three years old, and I’ve been fighting Rapture for fifty years.”

Final Girl Surviving Church and Childhood

If you’re finding yourself anxious about the war please know that you’re not alone. You’re not silly for being upset. It can be hard to give ourselves grace when those around us may not understand why we cannot just forget and get over it. Religious trauma is real and it can really impact your life. Remember to breathe and remind yourself that you are safe. Turn off the news and take a break from social media if that helps. If you have someone in your life who understands, reach out to them for support. As always I’m here if you need help finding resources or if you just need an ear. This will pass and it will come around again.

Rapture Anxiety, The United Pentecostal Church, Trauma, Writing

Writing and Trauma

Deb M

Hello and happy February! I’m sorry I have been away for so long. I’ve been spending much of my free time focusing on my book. It is coming along nicely and I can’t wait to share it all with you. I’m not gonna lie, the editing process has been tough. As I dig deeper and deeper into my own story more and more trauma is uncovered. Along with that, the same old trauma is always waiting for me on the page. I find myself wishing I could just let it all go and not have to keep coping with the triggers that jump out at me when I’m alone.

The writing process requires you to ask yourself many questions. One of the first ones is, why are you writing this book? It’s a good question. Why would I want to relive all the pain and trauma I’ve suffered? Why not just ignore it all and move on with my life? The short answer is that ignoring it is never an answer. It is a part of me and not something I can choose not to look at. The longer answer is that I want to share my experiences in hopes that it will help other survivors feel less alone. A surprising reason to write this book has been to bring about additional unexpected healing for myself. Unfortunately, healing doesn’t often happen without pain. I believe that many people avoid healing because they know that the path through it will bring sadness and the facing of demons from the past.

If you’re a United Pentecostal lurking on my page I hope that you will come to see that the damage done to survivors of your organization is long-lasting. It is never as easy as no longer being bitter and just forgiving. Right now as I’m revising my book two things are looming large in my mind. The first one is the Steve Dahl portion. Through the process of revising I’ve come to realize that the damage he caused me is so much greater than I ever imagined. Its echoes have infected all of my relationships with the opposite sex and my entire sex life. That is a high cost to pay for what many have told me is a long-ago event that I should just get over. It has been heart-wrenching to write about, but what came after was almost worse. Calvary Gospel church and the way they treated me is unforgivable. Writing it all out and seeing it all through my 53-year-old eyes and understanding has brought about a clarity I never had before. I will never understand how grown adults who are supposed to be part of a faith centered on love can just turn their backs on a child. It was mean, petty, and life-wrecking. Writing about it makes my chest literally hurt. A blackness follows me around when I spend too much time focused on these parts of my book. I dissociate and have to remind myself that I have value and I’m worthy. The UPC church can seem very loving until it isn’t. If writing my book can save one person from that heartache it will have been worth it. In the meantime, I battle my demons. Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose.

The second monster I cope with while writing is the Book of Revelations monster. Thank goodness for EMDR therapy. https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments/eye-movement-reprocessing. Without it, I would not be able to write about the rapture and everything that goes with it. That being said, this doesn’t mean that I’m not triggered or that it isn’t scary. I’m not afraid of the rapture I’m afraid of my memories of being taught about it. When I write about it I get that same pain in my chest and a sense of dread follows me for days. These ideas planted in my mind before I even went to school have been with me for as long as I can remember. Visuals pop into my head unbidden and then it can take days to chase them off into the corners of my mind. They’re not gone but they’re not threatening to take over anymore. It is during these times that I wonder why the church focused on hell and the end times so much. There is so much you can teach a small child about god and the Bible. Because the scary stories of the Bible were taught to me so young they took over my mind and everything else about god seemed secondary. Who cares about all those Sunday school stories when we are talking about a god who might throw me into a lake of fire to burn forever. It’s like talking about a serial killer and everyone wanting to focus on how he bakes good cookies. It just seems like the cookies don’t matter if he might slit your throat at any moment. I’m choosing to go through the trauma dredged up in this part of the book for survivors as well. I’m going through it for all the little girls afraid to sleep at night. Afraid they might miss the rapture. I’m writing it for all the adults I know who still fear being left behind. I see you and you’re not crazy.

I’ve been rambling. I’m sorry. When I write about the traumatic responses I experience I get flooded. It can be hard to write as clearly as I want to. If reading this has triggered you here are a few things you can do:

  1. Call a friend who understands. At times we just need to be reminded we are safe.
  2. Get outside. I like to put some happy music on and go for a walk.
  3. Yoga, or some other kind of movement. Yoga really helps me to slow my breathing down.
  4. Cleanse your mental palate. Watch a funny TV show, work on a craft or project that requires concentration, or do something social.
  5. EFT https://focus.psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/foc.8.1.foc32 You can find tons of free videos on YouTube.