Religious trauma – Debbie McNulty

*Trigger Warning* Rapture anxiety, religious trauma

Are you feeling your nervous system activated by all the media coverage about the war with Iran? It’s hard to escape the news. It has only taken a few days for people in the Trump administration to begin to claim this war is sanctioned by God. Aaron Parnas has been reporting on how some of the military leadership are telling soldiers that Trump was “anointed by Jesus to lead the Iran war.” Then come the quotes from the religious right on social media about “wars and rumors of wars.” Could this be the end we’ve all been waiting for?

This kind of talk is all about Israel and the book of Revelation. As a gen-xer I’ve been here many, many times. This time feels worse than the ones that came before because now they’re not even trying to hide their motivations. They boldly claim Trump to be God’s instrument without even a hint of a blush. In their minds, the endtimes are not something to be feared but something to be encouraged. If Trump can push them closer to their goal, that’s great, even if he seems like the farthest thing from a godly man. They see themselves as the winners at the end of it all, the ultimate chance to own the libs.

For those of us with religious trauma, times like these can be tough. Even if you no longer believe in the rapture or the endtimes it can make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. For me, it brings up so much of my childhood trauma. I know I’d be struggling more right now if I hadn’t done so much trauma recovery work on this topic. As some of you know, I’m in the process of publishing my book. The endtimes play a big role in my childhood. Everyone in my family was always looking for the signs and worrying about who was and wasn’t going to make the rapture. Every war from when I was born in 1970 till now has been seen as proof of the coming Great Tribulation. The impact of this is so strong that whenever I see military vehicles I don’t think of the military I think of the Tribulation. I think of “A Thief In The Night.”

“Tonight I’m being tormented by the monster I call Rapture. I’ve fought this monster a million times. These battles leave me sleep-deprived and ragged, but I always prevail. I’m fifty-three years old, and I’ve been fighting Rapture for fifty years.”
Final Girl Surviving Church and Childhood

If you’re finding yourself anxious about the war please know that you’re not alone. You’re not silly for being upset. It can be hard to give ourselves grace when those around us may not understand why we cannot just forget and get over it. Religious trauma is real and it can really impact your life. Remember to breathe and remind yourself that you are safe. Turn off the news and take a break from social media if that helps. If you have someone in your life who understands, reach out to them for support. As always I’m here if you need help finding resources or if you just need an ear. This will pass and it will come around again.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. My feelings were all over the map. My mother has been gone since 1989. I was only 19 years old when she passed. Our relationship was complicated due to her mental illness and neglectful parenting. When I think about her I feel a sense of deep longing and sadness. So much of the trauma I experience now is directly tied to choices she did or did not make. Sometimes on Mother’s Day, I feel the loss of her, and other years I just feel nothing. I try to push her memory away because it’s tied to my feelings of unworthiness. Yesterday I woke up and she was on my mind. Rather than push her away I tried to just let the feelings be, in other words, I let myself feel my feelings. I’m not the type of person who likes to feel her feelings. I’d rather stay in my mind where it feels safer. I didn’t cry but sadness followed me all day. Maybe it was just her sadness, maybe she was following me all day in spirit. While I was growing up she was often sad in fact it seemed like sadness was her baseline mood. At times it seems like sadness is my baseline mood. Mine comes from childhood and religious trauma. Maybe we are the same. After all, she grew up in an abusive home where God was ready to strike you dead for any offense. Her family never accepted her as she was and she always felt unworthy. Generational trauma is the gift none of us asks for but if you’re in its path it can feel unavoidable.

I was lucky to spend time with almost all my kids and grandson yesterday. It was sunny and warm and no one talked about the end-times. We are an imperfect bunch but I think we all try to accept each other as we are. I wish I could go back in time and give this gift to my mother. I wish she was here to receive the love I know my children would give her. I see her reflected in all of my descendants. It isn’t all sadness. I see her in their love for nature, music, art, and dogs. This reminds me that she is more than her sadness, she gave me many gifts and I think she would be so happy to see how things have turned out. She is a part of every ounce of love I give to them. I’m glad I let her memory in yesterday. I’m glad I allowed myself to feel my feelings.

I hope your Mother’s Day was wonderful! If it wasn’t I’m sorry and I hope you can remember to love yourself and give yourself some compassion.

Tag: Religious trauma

It’s The Endtimes…Again

Mother’s Day