Tag: Rapture Anxiety

Rapture Anxiety, The United Pentecostal Church, Trauma, Writing

Writing and Trauma

Deb M

Hello and happy February! I’m sorry I have been away for so long. I’ve been spending much of my free time focusing on my book. It is coming along nicely and I can’t wait to share it all with you. I’m not gonna lie, the editing process has been tough. As I dig deeper and deeper into my own story more and more trauma is uncovered. Along with that, the same old trauma is always waiting for me on the page. I find myself wishing I could just let it all go and not have to keep coping with the triggers that jump out at me when I’m alone.

The writing process requires you to ask yourself many questions. One of the first ones is, why are you writing this book? It’s a good question. Why would I want to relive all the pain and trauma I’ve suffered? Why not just ignore it all and move on with my life? The short answer is that ignoring it is never an answer. It is a part of me and not something I can choose not to look at. The longer answer is that I want to share my experiences in hopes that it will help other survivors feel less alone. A surprising reason to write this book has been to bring about additional unexpected healing for myself. Unfortunately, healing doesn’t often happen without pain. I believe that many people avoid healing because they know that the path through it will bring sadness and the facing of demons from the past.

If you’re a United Pentecostal lurking on my page I hope that you will come to see that the damage done to survivors of your organization is long-lasting. It is never as easy as no longer being bitter and just forgiving. Right now as I’m revising my book two things are looming large in my mind. The first one is the Steve Dahl portion. Through the process of revising I’ve come to realize that the damage he caused me is so much greater than I ever imagined. Its echoes have infected all of my relationships with the opposite sex and my entire sex life. That is a high cost to pay for what many have told me is a long-ago event that I should just get over. It has been heart-wrenching to write about, but what came after was almost worse. Calvary Gospel church and the way they treated me is unforgivable. Writing it all out and seeing it all through my 53-year-old eyes and understanding has brought about a clarity I never had before. I will never understand how grown adults who are supposed to be part of a faith centered on love can just turn their backs on a child. It was mean, petty, and life-wrecking. Writing about it makes my chest literally hurt. A blackness follows me around when I spend too much time focused on these parts of my book. I dissociate and have to remind myself that I have value and I’m worthy. The UPC church can seem very loving until it isn’t. If writing my book can save one person from that heartache it will have been worth it. In the meantime, I battle my demons. Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose.

The second monster I cope with while writing is the Book of Revelations monster. Thank goodness for EMDR therapy. https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments/eye-movement-reprocessing. Without it, I would not be able to write about the rapture and everything that goes with it. That being said, this doesn’t mean that I’m not triggered or that it isn’t scary. I’m not afraid of the rapture I’m afraid of my memories of being taught about it. When I write about it I get that same pain in my chest and a sense of dread follows me for days. These ideas planted in my mind before I even went to school have been with me for as long as I can remember. Visuals pop into my head unbidden and then it can take days to chase them off into the corners of my mind. They’re not gone but they’re not threatening to take over anymore. It is during these times that I wonder why the church focused on hell and the end times so much. There is so much you can teach a small child about god and the Bible. Because the scary stories of the Bible were taught to me so young they took over my mind and everything else about god seemed secondary. Who cares about all those Sunday school stories when we are talking about a god who might throw me into a lake of fire to burn forever. It’s like talking about a serial killer and everyone wanting to focus on how he bakes good cookies. It just seems like the cookies don’t matter if he might slit your throat at any moment. I’m choosing to go through the trauma dredged up in this part of the book for survivors as well. I’m going through it for all the little girls afraid to sleep at night. Afraid they might miss the rapture. I’m writing it for all the adults I know who still fear being left behind. I see you and you’re not crazy.

I’ve been rambling. I’m sorry. When I write about the traumatic responses I experience I get flooded. It can be hard to write as clearly as I want to. If reading this has triggered you here are a few things you can do:

  1. Call a friend who understands. At times we just need to be reminded we are safe.
  2. Get outside. I like to put some happy music on and go for a walk.
  3. Yoga, or some other kind of movement. Yoga really helps me to slow my breathing down.
  4. Cleanse your mental palate. Watch a funny TV show, work on a craft or project that requires concentration, or do something social.
  5. EFT https://focus.psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/foc.8.1.foc32 You can find tons of free videos on YouTube.
C-PTSD, EMDR, Rapture

Some Triggers Rise Again

Deb M

*Triggers Rapture, End Times, CPTSD*

I have complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Currently, I’m undergoing Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy. So far it has helped more than anything else. I have been working on so many subjects but the first subject that we covered was my rapture anxiety. When I talk about rapture anxiety it sounds much smaller to me than what it actually is. It has loomed large over my life for as long as I can remember. I thought I had completely healed from it but I was wrong. When I go to see my therapist next time I think I need to do some maintenance work about this topic.

For those who do not know here is a definition of C_PTSD

“Both PTSD and C-PTSD result from the experience of something deeply traumatic and can cause flashbacks, nightmares, and insomnia. Both conditions can also make you feel intensely afraid and unsafe even though the danger has passed. However, despite these similarities, there are characteristics that differentiate C-PTSD from PTSD according to some experts.

The main difference between the two disorders is the frequency of the trauma. While PTSD is caused by a single traumatic event, C-PTSD is caused by long-lasting trauma that continues or repeats for months, even years (commonly referred to as “complex trauma”).1

Unlike PTSD, which can develop regardless of what age you are when the trauma occurred, C-PTSD is typically the result of childhood trauma.

The psychological and developmental impacts of complex trauma early in life are often more severe than a single traumatic experience. So different, in fact, that many experts believe that the PTSD diagnostic criteria don’t adequately describe the wide-ranging, long-lasting consequences of C-PTSD.” verywellmind.com

Here is an explanation of what EMDR is

“Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an extensively researched, effective psychotherapy method proven to help people recover from trauma and other distressing life experiences, including PTSD, anxiety, depression, and panic disorders.” emdria.org

The above website is full of useful information if you are interested in learning more about EMDR.

I had a difficult weekend. It started with me strolling around Facebook just killing time. Something came across my feed that immediately triggered me. In a group I belong to someone posted a still photo from the film “Thief In The Night”. I immediately knew what it was and before I could even have a thought my brain had run away into panic mode. My heart was pounding and my stomach clenched tight into a knot. Immediately that awful song, you know the one, started playing in my head. This happened in part because of some of the comments posted under the photo. Yes, I should have walked away but when I am in this state I do not always think clearly. I read a few comments and even responded to someone who was speaking about their trauma regarding the film. After that my fight began, I was fighting to get that song out of my head and to keep my anxiety from running wild. I felt like I could not breathe and I had to find something to distract myself.

I decided to do some art work and listen to one of my favorite podcasts, Spiritual PTSD. The host was talking about something completely unrelated and then out of nowhere he went down a “Thief In The Night” tangent and I just froze, sitting there dumbfounded. How in the space of a few minutes had I experienced these triggers? Then I was afraid to move and wondering where that fear might jump out at me next. If I let it, it will spin out of control and lead to flashbacks, when I get to that point there is no stopping the panic I just have to let it run it’s course. I had flashbacks this weekend but I was able to breathe through them and not let it spin me out of control. I call that progress. This attack did not last a week and it did not keep me from sleeping the way it would have in the past. I’m healing that much is true, I just know I’m not all the way there yet.

I am shaken. I am shocked by how hard I was hit over the weekend. I’m angry at my parents and the church that exposed me to this trauma. I’m angry that so much of my time and money has to go to just trying to heal and live a normal life. I’m grateful I have access to help and a support system that holds me when I’m struggling. I’m thankful for my husband who helps me to feel safe when my brain turns on me and seeks to convince me there are monsters waiting for me around every corner. Teaching children about end-times theology is child abuse and showing those films to children is torture.

Thank you for staying with me on this journey.

Debbie