Tag: Writing

Depression, Trauma, Writing

Fall Slump

Deb M

Well, well, well, I knew it would hit eventually, and now it has. The terrible fall slump. Even with my light box fired up every day, my inner glow feels very dim. Some of my lack of ambition comes from the time change, ushering the darkness in earlier. The brownness of it all also plays a role. The leaves are mostly fallen, and the ground is beginning to look more like mud than pretty leaves. The few snowflakes that have fallen melt almost immediately and add to the muddiness of it all. It is an in-between time, a threshold, a breath before winter.

I wish the change in the seasons was the only thing making me feel this way. November is a hard month for me. A few years ago I suffered a betrayal that broke my heart and now every November I am reminded of what happened. I try to plan for this, knowing that it’s coming, but there are some things you just can’t plan your way through. I’m also doing some really deep trauma work right now. It’s all good stuff but it’s also exhausting.

I’ve said all this to say I just don’t feel like writing. This is very inconvenient. You might remember I’m in the midst of a writing challenge right now. Whenever a thought surfaces about writing or sending out queries, my brain begins to flood me with other options. You could clean that shelf, or put some laundry in, hey…what you really need to do is work on the Thanksgiving menu. As I slump around the house, crossing unimportant items off my list, shame and guilt rise within me. All this leaves me feeling depressed, uninspired, and just wanting to go to bed.

As I’m writing this, I am reminded that there are so many out there suffering way worse than me. The governmental shutdown has hurt so many, and I’m sure the pain is going to get worse before it gets better. All of the terrible political stuff happening in the world just seems to pile onto everything else going on.

Yep, I’m a Debbie Downer. I’m not sure why I’m writing this tonight except to say everything feels hard right now. Part of me wants to work on my current project, and the other part of me wants to write anything else. If you’re having a hard time right now, I hope it gets better soon. I will get up and back on the horse. I might even work on my project before the night is over. I just keep having to remind myself that my best has to be enough, and we all have times like this.

Writing

November Writing Challenge

Deb M

It might seem strange to begin a new book when the first one hasn’t been published yet, but trust me there is a reason for my madness. As I’ve been going through the process of querying agents I’ve heard the same advice over and over. Don’t stop writing. This makes sense to me because writing is the part of this whole adventure that really feeds me. The business end of things is not my cup of tea, and so if I can balance that out with some writing every day I think that would be healthy. Of course, I never really stopped writing because I write here and on Substack, it’s just a different kind of writing.

My plan is to participate in the Reedsy November Writing Challenge. I will be aiming for 50,000 words by the end of the month. The working title of my new project is called, A Spiritual Home. It will be another memoir, and very different from the one I am currently seeking representation for. It’s still vulnerable work and I will have to dig deep into my bravery stores in order to complete it. Wish me luck! If you want to join me in the writing challenge, drop me an email and I will help you get started.

Writing

Freshen Up

Deb M

Hello friends, as you may have noticed I’ve freshened up my page. I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time. I’m pretty happy with how it turned out considering I’m not a web designer. I also aquired a domain name, debbiemcnultywrites.com. Things are humming along, especially now that I’ve finished my first batch of agent queries. It has been my habit for many years to take a sabbatical during the month of October. It has been a long time since I’ve arrived at the threshold beween September and October feeling so tired. My hope is that the rest will do me good and I will be able to come out swinging in early November. It can be hard to step away from work that is important to you. I’ve done this many times and I know that I will come out on the other side with a new perspective and hopefully a cup full of energy. I intend to keep posting some to my social media it will just be less frequent.

Hope you’re having a lovely autumn!

Debbie

Book

I’ve Been Writing A Book

Deb M

I’ve been writing a book. Wow, it is scary just saying those words. It’s like speaking them makes them real. Those who are close to me are already aware of the work I’ve been doing, and I’m sure they’ve asked themselves when I’ll ever finish. Turns out writing a book is hard work. I always knew it would be, and I doubted myself plenty along the way. I didn’t anticipate how complicated the whole process would be. First, there are so many skills to learn, critiques to consider, and choices to make. What to include and what to keep back just for myself. My rough draft was finished last year, and I’ve spent a year working on revisions. Now that I’ve taken it as far as I can by myself, I’m ready to begin seeking an agent.

It dawned on me last fall that publication couldn’t be the measuring stick of my work. Of course, publication is a goal, but it is just one of many. I chose to measure my success based on whether or not I finished my book. This version of my book is complete, and I’ve been taking a breath to allow that accomplishment to sink in. I know that there will be more revisions to come once my manuscript reaches the hands of an agent and editor. I’m excited to see where that process takes my memoir, but that is for another day.

Another reason to take a pause is so that I can steel myself for the rejection to come. Yep, I’m sure there will be many rejections before I hear a yes. It could take a very long time to gain representation, and that is yet another hurdle on my journey. My heart is pretty tender, and my confidence isn’t always strong, so I’m sure this part of the process will be filled with emotional ups and downs. Once the memoir is out there, I know I will hear from people who do not like what I’ve written, and that will require even more strength, but that worry, too, is for another day.

It feels weird to not be working on revisions. Now my focus is on my book proposal, so the business end. It’s hard not to worry that I’m making it too long or too short, not professional enough, or maybe I’m not getting the right advice about what to include and what not to include. It’s like being ten months pregnant; I’m ready for this baby to be out of the oven, but the doctor has a few more forms for me to sign first.

Have you been through this process? If so, I’d love to hear from you. Do you have tricks of the trade to share? What worked and didn’t work?

Deb

Book, Healing, Update

Update

Deb M

Hello, long time no see. I’m hoping some of you have been following me over on Substack and TikTok; if not, here I am again. For the last couple of years, most of my energy has been spent working on my book. I’ve completed a two-year writing program and spent many hours in critique groups. It has been a wonderful time of self-discovery, and I’ve learned a lot about how to write a memoir. I appreciate how patient you’ve been with me as I’ve gone through this process. Currently, I’m putting the finishing touches on my book proposal so I can begin to send it out to agents. This is a scary and exhilarating time. Writing my memoir has been a gift, and I feel so privileged to have the time and resources to put into writing it. It has healed me in so many ways while also revealing new sore spots that need attention. As I move ahead, I can only hope I will be able to weather the tough publishing world. I may seem pretty durable and strong on the outside, but on the inside, I’m pretty soft. I plan to document my journey here more closely now that I’m done working on my manuscript.

One important piece of getting your book published is branding and having a platform. This is why you see me in so many places. I’m sure at times it seems like a lot, it feels that way to me, but it is what I must do to meet my goals. This is where you come in. I know some of you have been following me for a long time, and I really appreciate that. If you want to help me push my book over the finish line, please interact with my social media as much as possible. A like on FB, Substack, TikTok, and here can go a long way. It’s even better if you can comment and follow/subscribe. A platform can make or break a memoir writer.

On TikTok, I have been making videos about the church I grew up in and how they compare to the religious right, and what is happening politically now. I talk about race and class and how the church of my childhood handled those issues. My handle is @wicrow.

On Substack, I’ve been writing journal prompts for those who are thinking about or have left the UPC or other high-control groups. I’ve also written some about my experience of being a Mexican American in the current climate. You can follow me here: https://open.substack.com/pub/survivingchurchandchildhood/p/its-okay-to-like-yourself?r=3glw93&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true

I haven’t made a new post on YouTube in a long time. Once I get that going again, I will let you know. 🙂 If you know of anyone who might want me on their podcast or YouTube channel please let me know.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you. Again, I appreciate your support so much and I hope one day you’ll have my book in your hands and we can celebrate together!

Debbie

Family, Healing, Mother, Parents

Compassion For Mom

Deb M

Sometimes when I’m writing it comes easy and other times it’s a miserable process. Yesterday the words flowed freely and so did my emotions. Years and years ago when I first began working on my memoir I grieved daily because it was as if the writing was taking me farther away from my mother. As I came to terms with the reality of her choices my heart broke and my feet were set on a new journey. I couldn’t look honestly at my story without first being honest about our story. To have compassion for myself I needed to stop making excuses for her. I was too wounded to hold space for both of us. Growing up I held space for her and suffered in silence as my own needs went unmet.

Suddenly yesterday as I pounded out some revisions I sensed a new found compassion for my mother. As I recalled all her tears, her search for connection, and her desire to please her higher power my heart ached to reach back in time. She was failed by everyone in her life who should’ve loved her. In short she was alone and I was there, the only hand to hold onto. As I thought about all this I wished for some tears because I could feel the sadness walled off inside me. They will come one day, I’m sure of it.

Over and over I’m confronted with how writing my memoir is healing me. It’s not a quick fix and it isn’t painless. Thread by thread I’m untying the painful knots within me and that process is enabling me to react from love and not pain. I wonder who my mother would’ve been if she had been given the tools to heal. For now she is returning to me and I’m grateful.

Rapture Anxiety, The United Pentecostal Church, Trauma, Writing

Writing and Trauma

Deb M

Hello and happy February! I’m sorry I have been away for so long. I’ve been spending much of my free time focusing on my book. It is coming along nicely and I can’t wait to share it all with you. I’m not gonna lie, the editing process has been tough. As I dig deeper and deeper into my own story more and more trauma is uncovered. Along with that, the same old trauma is always waiting for me on the page. I find myself wishing I could just let it all go and not have to keep coping with the triggers that jump out at me when I’m alone.

The writing process requires you to ask yourself many questions. One of the first ones is, why are you writing this book? It’s a good question. Why would I want to relive all the pain and trauma I’ve suffered? Why not just ignore it all and move on with my life? The short answer is that ignoring it is never an answer. It is a part of me and not something I can choose not to look at. The longer answer is that I want to share my experiences in hopes that it will help other survivors feel less alone. A surprising reason to write this book has been to bring about additional unexpected healing for myself. Unfortunately, healing doesn’t often happen without pain. I believe that many people avoid healing because they know that the path through it will bring sadness and the facing of demons from the past.

If you’re a United Pentecostal lurking on my page I hope that you will come to see that the damage done to survivors of your organization is long-lasting. It is never as easy as no longer being bitter and just forgiving. Right now as I’m revising my book two things are looming large in my mind. The first one is the Steve Dahl portion. Through the process of revising I’ve come to realize that the damage he caused me is so much greater than I ever imagined. Its echoes have infected all of my relationships with the opposite sex and my entire sex life. That is a high cost to pay for what many have told me is a long-ago event that I should just get over. It has been heart-wrenching to write about, but what came after was almost worse. Calvary Gospel church and the way they treated me is unforgivable. Writing it all out and seeing it all through my 53-year-old eyes and understanding has brought about a clarity I never had before. I will never understand how grown adults who are supposed to be part of a faith centered on love can just turn their backs on a child. It was mean, petty, and life-wrecking. Writing about it makes my chest literally hurt. A blackness follows me around when I spend too much time focused on these parts of my book. I dissociate and have to remind myself that I have value and I’m worthy. The UPC church can seem very loving until it isn’t. If writing my book can save one person from that heartache it will have been worth it. In the meantime, I battle my demons. Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose.

The second monster I cope with while writing is the Book of Revelations monster. Thank goodness for EMDR therapy. https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/treatments/eye-movement-reprocessing. Without it, I would not be able to write about the rapture and everything that goes with it. That being said, this doesn’t mean that I’m not triggered or that it isn’t scary. I’m not afraid of the rapture I’m afraid of my memories of being taught about it. When I write about it I get that same pain in my chest and a sense of dread follows me for days. These ideas planted in my mind before I even went to school have been with me for as long as I can remember. Visuals pop into my head unbidden and then it can take days to chase them off into the corners of my mind. They’re not gone but they’re not threatening to take over anymore. It is during these times that I wonder why the church focused on hell and the end times so much. There is so much you can teach a small child about god and the Bible. Because the scary stories of the Bible were taught to me so young they took over my mind and everything else about god seemed secondary. Who cares about all those Sunday school stories when we are talking about a god who might throw me into a lake of fire to burn forever. It’s like talking about a serial killer and everyone wanting to focus on how he bakes good cookies. It just seems like the cookies don’t matter if he might slit your throat at any moment. I’m choosing to go through the trauma dredged up in this part of the book for survivors as well. I’m going through it for all the little girls afraid to sleep at night. Afraid they might miss the rapture. I’m writing it for all the adults I know who still fear being left behind. I see you and you’re not crazy.

I’ve been rambling. I’m sorry. When I write about the traumatic responses I experience I get flooded. It can be hard to write as clearly as I want to. If reading this has triggered you here are a few things you can do:

  1. Call a friend who understands. At times we just need to be reminded we are safe.
  2. Get outside. I like to put some happy music on and go for a walk.
  3. Yoga, or some other kind of movement. Yoga really helps me to slow my breathing down.
  4. Cleanse your mental palate. Watch a funny TV show, work on a craft or project that requires concentration, or do something social.
  5. EFT https://focus.psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/foc.8.1.foc32 You can find tons of free videos on YouTube.
Inner critic, United Pentecostal Church, Writing

My Inner UPCI Critic

Deb M

As I’ve been on my writing journey I’ve learned that I have a lot of inner critic work to do. After all this time I thought I knew who my inner critics were and the purpose they served. Last week while chatting with a friend I realized that many of my inner critics are tied to a UPCI inner critic. She’s mean, she hates me, and her main purpose seems to be to make me afraid. Sure she’d like me to fear hell’s flames and eternal damnation but more than that she wants me to fear telling my story. She throws up arguments that center on rejection and judgement from people who wrote me off a long time ago. She reminds me of the pain and tears they’ve caused me and she tells me to shut up before I’m hurt again. She blames me for my trauma and warns me of all the bad things that could happen if I keep writing. Her face resembles a conglomeration of all the mean church ladies I’ve ever known. Because of the work that I’ve done I know that she is making herself mean and scary to keep me from being hurt. The remedy is to remind her that I’m ok. I’ve survived and there is nothing the church can say to me or about me that they haven’t already said. She is the front line of my defenses. She snarls and bites, warns and glares. Behind all that is a scared wounded child desiring safety. I’m grateful for her attempts to keep me safe and I honor all her contributions to my survival. I could ask her to take an extended vacation but I think I will let her continue to stand alongside me for a little longer. Now that I understand this part of myself better I can apply self-compassion and feel gratitude for her service.

If you would like to receive updates about how the writing process is going for me please sign up for my email list at:

https://mailchi.mp/6536b5e0fb30/debbie-mcnulty

Book, Childhood

Inspiration

Deb M

Back around nine months ago I created a playlist to help me out when I was feeling uninspired. Some of these songs remind me of my parents or myself during childhood. Other songs are more thematic and stir up memories and feelings about childhood events. I finally feel like I’m ready to share this playlist here.

https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLBpCKCSApwN3swEgQhWgBi6SA2AoZt3on&si=sgLoOlenuonAQzIH

I hope you enjoy this little peek into my childhood and process.

United Pentecostal Church

What’s Next

Deb M

I have been struggling to write anything. Both here and other places. I am proud of all that I and other survivors have been able to accomplish over this past year. At the same time it can be hard to handle the fact that CGC still exists and my abuser is still a pastor. People have asked me what comes next and to be honest I don’t know.

Ultimately I think I and others need a bigger platform to create big change. I’m not sure how to get there. I have been trying to engage the help of people who offered assistance but replies have been slow and silent. I’m happy to remind people of things but I don’t want to chase them down. Most of the time I feel pretty good about the work I have done but there are times I feel like I’ve failed.

Everything has its season and so I know it will pick up again and there will be more work to do. I might write some here about childhood stuff that has less to do with CGC because it was never my intent that this blog only be focused on one thing.

What would you like to hear more about?

D