I’ve been debating where to write about my feelings. My emotions about my book being published have been hard to process and name. I’ve decided this is the best place. My humble blog has always been a platform for real feelings and saying the things that are hard to say. When my proof copy arrived, I was excited to see it! I looked at the cover and thumbed through the pages while my husband watched with anticipation. Then I placed it on the coffee table for a few days. I had a sense that I needed time before diving into the process of checking for errors. It did not take long for me to realize that I wasn’t reacting to this wonderful event the way others in my life expected me to. When they gently probed, all I could say was, “I don’t know how I feel?” Sometimes naming emotions is hard for me, especially when they are emotions I’m not accustomed to feeling. After processing with my therapist I have a better understanding of what is happening.
Real talk, writing this memoir has been a whole thing. While writing I went to all the darkest corners of my childhood. I wrestled with god all over again. Reliving some of these experiences not only opened old wounds but also created some new ones. It forced me to confront and make peace, and now maybe let go. So, I poured everything I had into this process and manifested something tangible you can hold in your hands. This object, my book represents two very different things. It is a representation of all the trauma and hope I experienced. It’s full of pain, struggle, tragedy, and abuse. I’ve managed to relate it all on paper and I’m asking people to read it and maybe pull some hope from it. It also represents hard work and triumph. It is the manifestation of believing in myself enough to try to do something really hard. I’m sure you can see how all this has created some mixed feelings.
What I know for sure is, I am grateful. Grateful for the healing, the experience, and the support I’ve gained along the way. I’m trying hard to remember self-compassion. No, I’m probably not reacting the way a person without all my trauma would react, and that is okay. Some days I’m optimistic and other days I’m scared to death. It’s complicated, and that makes sense. My story is complicated because I’ve lived a complicated life. This is just another chapter.
We are just over 70 days away from publication. When I get the pre-sale info I will post it! Thank you for your continued support.